Sometimes, it's hard. It takes a good amount of time and practices and moments when you can't just take things face value. And there are times you wouldn't believe that things are the way they are. First Impressions, Perception and Judgement. How much exactly can you buy it and how much of it merely a beautifully orchestrated façade? Nobody knows and nobody cares, well not unless they have to. But at least a couple of that many million people have learnt not to take first impressions as some sort of a hellish benchmark, condemning some poor soul to purgatory with a single glance.

Some people think I speak funny, the oddball and everyone else thinks they don't have it weird. It never bothered me before but something stuck. And just so you know, people, I'm not weird. Various misconceptions yes but weird, no. It was the CCM Freshie's Orientation at Sentosa 28 April, a cherished Saturday, I must add and in a fit of insanity and probably fuelled by false enthusiasm last couple of weeks ago, I agree to wake up at 6 a.m. to volunteer my service as the new kids' leader after a week of hell in the culinary practice (Re: previous entry about the new semester). I couldn't sleep the night before for I was with Mel, yes, staying over after school even for a couple of hours and I cherished every waking moment I had with her, even if it means just looking and watching her and whether she realizes or acknowledges that at all. But anyway, this thing with Mel was but routine. Everyone's like super preoccupied with everything else but the one person/thing that's right in their face, craving for some kind of attention andacknowledge silently. Whenever she's with me, she'll spend hours talking or SMSing or rather listening to some other people talk about stuff she doesn't necessarily have to know. She would rather do that than give me a couple of minutes of geniune attention and interest. Or maybe it's just me. I'm contented just by looking at her and watches as her expression changes...never the best conversation holder in any case.

ok, this would probably be one of those rather self-centered entries where i'll look back in a couple weeks' time and think 'god, is that really how i felt then?' I have to write them though because right this moment, it is how i feel and felt. What's with not knowing and cherishing and acknowledging people and things that you have and then losing them and then the desire of having them again? This is human nature, a newborn could tell you that but that doesn't mean we can't change it.

I have friends, more than just a couple, safe to say and friends needed me as I would them. And I cherish, or at least try to cherish each and every one of them, giving them the day of time, the attention, the affection and whatever it is I could possibly offer in that moment. And while acknowledgement and motivation would have been nice, I don't usually get that and it frustrates and tires me out. And I wish I could do something about it, not to make it an issue and move on.

This is me, as honest as I try to be, as giving as I wanna be and then it came the time where I also wanted things, gratification from friends and other people. And most of the time I wouldn't get it and I'll be so disappointed and at times angry albiet a quick recovery and dismissal of whatever thought. I became all me and giving and waiting 2 hours for someone who hardly care again. And the same routine continues. I don't know what to do to minimize the pain of hitting raw concrete pavement from a few thousand feet up over and over again. Ash here's really tired of the same old tune. "Sing me another one, will ya, love," I would say if I could.

We could do a review, namely family & ex-crushes-turned-best friends and friends in general...If I ever write about it, it would be called 'the encyclopedia of self-centeredness, guilt, poor time management and abandonment' and I don't think anyone wants me to go that far..

Anyway, on a lighter note, there is this writer/mentorship scheme thing where an aspiring writer with a decent portfolio of whatever works gets to work with a published writer/mentor for 18 months via email or face to face meeting and see how far it'll take him/her in the literary world. The thing is, I ain't got no portfolio or works to show, much less impress anyone with. The computer crashed a couple of months earlier and I ran out of brain and creative juices blah blah..it's bad but I'm still giving some thought. I mean, what if cooking doesn't work out for me?

Talking about cooking (see, thats a smooth one I was doing), I slit my vein in my left index finger with a smooth slide of my chef knife while I was washin' it with a thin sponge and no brain. I was poaching salmon then and thank god, most of the work was done then. Needless to say, the red copperish liquid was a'flowing in an abundance. (the folks at the blood bank probably hates me now) The wound would probably have required stitching right there and then but like I said, I'm in the middle of my kitchen practical and no one would ever thought of bailing out in the middle of it for stitches. So I didn't.

I went through hell of course, excruciating pain with the washing and alcohol and bandaging and then working with only one hand for the rest of the poaching, the other, the hurt other, pointing up to the sky to cease excess bleeding. Everyone was laughing..including Chef Ken..which was amusing as far as my partner's concerned. The older man would go round my station with his index finger pointed upwards...and he sang. Now that's thought provoking. And anyway, I was more than worried..for the practical this afternoon. Who am I to think I could accomplish 2 main entrees and 2 soups and washing in 2 and a half hour with only one working hand? So I bailed and I went to see a doctor. I called Mel, since we are meeting for dinner after school and she wouldn't pick up and when she eventually did, with grumbles and complaints and maybe curses, she was late for an hour. I was kinda pissed and disappointed but not surprised that I had to wait and that she changed her heart and wouldn't accompany me to the hospital because of the queue and her fatigue from staying up till 6 a.m. for some phone conversation she probably can't remember the topics...and she wanted to cancel dinner and wanted me to go home immediately after. I wasn't in the best of mood as the pain becomes more prominent and irritating.

Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend
Anna Nalick - In My Head
Jojo - How to Touch A Girl
Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder
Mika - Lollipop
Sarah Mclachlan - Wintersong
Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had