It will take some time to regain some normalcy. I got what I wanted. I might have given everything to not feel this pain but it was the truth, it came from her and something I have to get into my thick skull, whether I like it or not. In the case, her decisions were my decisions.

I couldn't sleep last night after she left to do physics. Apparently there was a sharp pain where my heart was and I just sat there in silence alone for a tiny while, trying to find a way to distract the impact and also to finish up yet another school assignment. It will take me a long while; I'm still pretty much reeling from the pain. It's stupid, I am stupid, but I got what I deserved, I knew what I was putting myself in, putting all my heart in it, thinking one day she might just wanna be with me. It's a terrible joke and it's on me. I remembered she told me she didn't wanna hurt me, because she couldn't figure her feelings out and I recalled saying 'it's ok, you don't have to worry about me' and it still stands. I don't want her to worry about me and about this issue. She doesn't have to worry about me. I'm as grateful as I am now, to be part of her life, to be part of her happiness even. It's all I could ask for. i really didn't expect her to feel anything for me anyway. And if you're reading this, thank you. I'm really happy now that I know where I stand. Thank you for letting me be your friend. And I love the way she put it. "You should have known that it will never happen." Ok, so it's not her exact words but it's something like that.

She is so beautiful, in fact her entire clan is beautiful. I don't think I've seen a family made up of so many beautiful people. And they valued family and kinship which is a virtue not many people treasure now. I might have a whole load of relatives and cousins but I've never seen them. I've never learn their names and faces. I'm a bad relative, so it seems. Anyway, as I sat awake last night, I thought of doing something silly like working my ass off to earn the money to fly to Athens and I would sit outside her apartment like an idiot just to surprise her or really freaked her out. Then I checked out Bueno Aires on the internet and I realized I can't speak Spanish and I'm bad with directions. And I tuned the time in my cell phone to that of Bueno Aires and Athens...I also realized something. There might be a tiny problem with the whole wonderful travelling thing. I wouldn't graduate until 2009 and by then she would have had travel to South America or whatever she wants to. She wouldn't wait for me. I didn't think.

The marketing proposal is finally handed up, a huge sense of relief is an understatement. And of course, there is still the presentation but everyone would tell you it's the least of their problems now. It was like a marathon and everyone was almost driven crazy trying to finish up the proposal. They probably really hate Marketing now, along with the lecturer who apparently likes to talk about sex during lecture, not that it's anything bad but still...

Right now, I'm comtemplating about joining a writing competition. I'm not sure how good I am, you know. Every time when I believe that I had it in my bag, I don't and that's when the rejection and disappointment hit like a truck. Rejection? Not for me period. My parents have somehow made me believe that I'm weak. They didn't think I could get the money for an overseas trip with my classmates, they didn't think I could sit through 6 sessions of pain without crying my heart out. I don't blame them for thinking that way...I don't wanna have to worry about what they or anyone thinks. I am me, and I change as I deemed fit.

"No way November will see our goodbyes
When it comes to December it's obvious why.
No one wants to be alone at Chrismas time.
Come January, we're frozen inside.
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February won't you be my valentine?
And we'll both be safe till St. Patrick's day."