I think I've had it figured out and the operative word here is Desperation. I have never felt love from anyone, only expectations and rules. It's not self-pity talk. It's just what I feel, from my family, from the society, and from some other people I don't know of yet. And every morning, my mum will yell the way she never cease to about how a selfish and useless person I am.(It was a thing with housework.) And every morning, if I actually make it up in the morning, I don't feel so good. And I think that's the reason why I've been such an unlikeable jerk with the Eva situation.

The last thing I wanted to do now is to make some stupid irreversible decisions that would hurt Eva. I could care less about myself. All I'm concerned is that she's ok, and not in any sense hurt, especially not by me. There's this guy named Jorge who lives in Peru but had plans to move to Europe and so he might visit Eva. He actually left a voice message for her and probably did all that little sweet gestures a boy does to get the attention and affection of the girl he thinks he likes. And so Jorge was that other person other than me who made Eva happy. It is a good thing cause he made her happy and I wanted her to be happy but at the same time, I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all. For I am no saint, but a humble and fragile human with flesh to burn and heart to break.

I must be frank that I somewhat knew what I was getting myself into when I harbored thoughts of Eva and I being more than just friends/lovers - that I would truly be in for a great disappointment. I mean, for God's sake, it was pretty clear that she's heterosexual, not that it's something etched in stone and I couldn't do anything about it but still...I've however did a great job at making her confused and she was all about questioning her own orientation and experimenting and all but I'm skeptical. I didn't want it to be a one-time thing for her. I don't wanna have to worry that one fine day, she would get over the thrill of being in a nurturing, filled with multiple orgasms homosexual relationship and head back to boys' town. Because that, would kill me in a shot. But I don't want to be the selfish person who wouldn't let go.

Eva is a good person, a wonderful girl, someone who deserves someone who loves her. Right now, we're really far apart from each other, she's in Greece and I'm here, on the wonderful little island. We couldn't even chat anymore, what with school and Christmas...Each day, I sit in front of my computer, like an idiot, hoping to receive her email, wanting some way to ease all that missing and yearning...Am I just being stupid??