It's utter ironic, it's utter fucked up. And no one sees it. I was born an entity without absolute worth and I am reduced to nothingness, like my entire existence is but to fill up spaces and breath someone else's air. I no longer understand why I'm here, what I did and what I wanted. There is nowhere I could run, no one to prove my worthiness and no one to be. Every day it hurts, and each day I don't know what to do to stop the hurt. "Faith..." She once told me. But I could not believe in it. Those I called 'family' has turned their backs and abandoned me to death the first day they saw me. And as I grow older, their hatred and differences towards me grew. I don't know what I did, or did not do. So every day, my mother continued to yell, to yell for my existence to disappear, like I was never there. I wish I was never there. So everyone else could be happier. So I don't have to feel this much pain. As I learn, there are things I've noticed and embraced. There are things that I would do that defy what others believe in. I don't know why I had to hide, my true self from people who claimed their love for me. I don't know why the person I truly am is such a terrible wicked mistake and doomed for solitude. And I couldn't find a person to talk to, to speak my mind, to give what I could for she too, couldn't change herself for me. It's not her fault, no, it's never. She has been kind so far, too kind, I would say. And I love her, more than anything right now. Of course, not in the way that would made her feel uncomfortable for I know I could never have her. I've grown exhausted, trying to understand why they would 'ravish' me with verbal abuses and soon physical ones too. Now, I just wish they would do whatever they want, just so I could go away.

Meeting Eva was a life-changing experience and she has offered me many things. Some of which, I'm not sure I wanna go through again and some of which, I'll cherished till the day I die. Traveling is a brilliant idea, one Eva has suggested. But if only I had the resources and courage, if only I was as determined as I was, living my life, I'm not going anywhere. She is not going to wait for me, no she won't. She has everything she needs to keep her protected, I don't. If I do leave, people would think that I'm leaving out of selfishness, that what they believed all along was true; that I've got no qualms for my family whatsoever. And then there wouldn't be a home to return to. Eva has a life that would have been mine if I know exactly what I had to do. She has school, she has family, and she has friends who would go running to her about some jerk who broke her heart. Eva has so much to live for in her life; she loves her life. As far as I know, she didn't have secrets she must hid from her family. Or maybe she does, but I wouldn't know. I'm only 20, and here I am, grasping for what little air my family would offer me...

I would love to leave, to shed this skin I've been tripping in and never to quite return. My body would turn into ashes in some foreign soils and made fertilizer to some rose bushes I would've never known about. And so, I would be at peace. It's amazing how I didn't shed a tear, for a single goodbye would bring sting to my eye and irritation in my nose. I guess it wouldn't really help even if I cry. My tears is worth nothing in the eye of my family. They would think it was a weakness, a part of me. So I swore they would never see my tears for there is no way I'm ever letting them put me down. I am going to die, my true self, in this family. I need to take off, run, run to a place where nobody knows me, a place where I might be offered a chance to live my life.

I'm scared, frightened and simply terrified. I don't know what my family would do next, and I don't know if I could take it. Everyday has been a lie. A lie I called my life...Don't worry, I'm not contemplating suicide or anything stupid. It would have been funny if I did.