5 minutes before I started out on this blog, I was watching one of Ghost Whisperer's rerun on cable called "Mended Hearts" . Tonight's episode was about this trialthon guy, Conor Donovan who got into an accident in one of his races and died and he stayed on because he couldn't leave his fianceé, Gwen Alexander behind and Gwen had refused to move on either. Conor was an organ donor in the episode and the other thing that was holding him back from crossing over and into the light was that he wanted to make sure that whoever got his heart was worthy of it and he was taking care of it, the way he did i guess. That guy was Cliff Aimes who eventually kinda became Conor in his own way.

I became an organ donor a week ago. It was one of those things that came naturally and part of my list, so to speak before I die or after, I can't decide. Donating blood every 3 months used to be part of that list but I got sicker or something and the nice people at the blood bank wouldn't take my blood even when I pleaded on my knees. But anyway, the organ donor thing, that was mandatory. As soon as you turn 21, the ministry of health i think would send you this letter, asking if you would go with the flow and with them or if you wanna refuse the chance to save 6 strangers with whatever organs that you know you wouldn't need no more when you're gone. That was pretty much it. I was kinda excited about it cause you know, part of my list. And I did it, said yes, and got the card and name on the register a week ago. And one of the organs I would be donating would be my heart.

I often wonder what lies in front of me. Was it going to be more loneliness, more loss or would I, by God's grace, meet someone new and have my own Happily Ever After. For the longest time, I was convinced that when something good and wonderful happens, something bad follows right after. It's like someone's out there and he's jealous of you and he wouldn't let you be happy for long. So if I do get to meet someone, I might not really get that Happily Ever After ending I wanted because it's just the way it is.

When I die, I would be giving my heart away to someone too...like Conor did in the episode. And Cliff, the guy who got the transplant, he sort of inherited certain traits and memories of Conor. Like he smelt the same sweet Gardenia fragrance Gwen was wearing or he got cravings of food he never would have eaten before the surgery and he does things that were very Conor. He would make everyone's job much easier if he could, and each time he and Gwen were in a restaurant and they were eating bread, and there would be breadcrumbs on the table, Conor would sweep it up into his palm and hold them until he could throw them away. After the transplant, Cliff did the exact same things. And guys, it's very thought-provoking to me, considering I could be very well be giving my heart away to some stranger tomorrow...

It's a very intriguing thought...ok I know it's tv and some guy wrote it but still...I wonder. If the person who got my heart would somehow be sharing the same memories and traits that were distinctive and once me. If he/she cries as easily about virtually everything that's worth, if he/she loves and enjoys the same things I did...if he/she remembers certain things that I've been through and seen when I was alive. It would have been very interesting.

I'm dying. Just like everyone in the world is. Everyone starts to cherish what they have more, perhaps started a long string of letters for the people they love to tell me them exactly. Or opted out on some thrilling ride, or the next bungee jump. I'm not sure if I've told anyone I loved them nor was I certain if I spent enough time with anyone or if I've done enough for them. A friend told me a night ago what she would have done if she knew she was going to die. She would go around and tell anyone and everyone who ever knew her, especially her family that she loves them and she wants them to take care of themselves...Frankly, I don't know what I would have done, if I know I would die in say, a month.

I would probably just be spending the month alone, and doing things that I like. I remembered telling Eva to take care of herself if I were to die and I couldn't be there for her anymore. And that I only asked that she would think of me and the times we had once in a good while. She was really mad at me when I said that. She wanted me to not think about stuff like that and stay positive and all that. She wanted me alive, at least until the day we would meet in person. I'm not sure. If things are the way they are in the show, I would probably be staying around and by the side of my loved one(s) for as long as I possibly can after I die...just to make sure they're all right and only for selfish reasons...

"Sometimes I wonder who's holding back who..."

Evanescence - My Immortal
J-five - Find A Way
Jojo - Never Say Goodbye
Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home