Today's the 3rd day of my 'it's me alone' day...I have not spoken to her (mum) for 3 days. And now, every time I see her, it's nothing but hatred and scared. This is the first time we've not spoken for so long and the first time I wanted her out of my life. I want nothing to do with her as much as she wants nothing to do with me. I guess if things are the way they are now..there's nothing I should be afraid of anymore.. I could be myself, I could be gay, I could work and save for my tattoos and DVDs..I could do what I want..I could write as much and kept as many diaries that I want cause no one will read them.

I can be alone.

Now that I've also deny any contact nor hope for any reconcilation with Dee, I am but free. No restraints, no 'what if she's hurt?', nobody and nothing to care about at all. I'm me and me alone. I would live my life the way I always wanted and be as silent as the dead.

She never did care about me, nor wish I was something more, nor ever tries to understand me as a person or saw what I did or trying to do. All she ever cares about is her son. All she believes in is that one fine day, her son would take care of her and they will live happily ever after with a dozen of bloody kids and a nice daughter-in-law who's not out to steal her son away from her and that I wouldn't be in her face cause I'm somewhere else, somewhere really far, living my own life. That would have been nice, wouldn't it?

I could cope alone..I always have. I could even do without the talking as long as you don't count that part where I speak to myself. She's never here and she's think I'm never there. We have always beEN so...No one interferes with nobody's business...

I'm happy. I don't know... well, at least that's what I tried to convince myself of..that night I sat hiding in the toilet and crying my eyes out and I know no one cares if I die or vanished into thin air. The way her words pierced into my soul and forever deny me of her love. The wound would never heal the way I've never truly speak to her.

See? I even have to write something about it...

Every single night, I listened to her whining and screaming
Every single night, I pray that God will eventually come save me
And Every single night, he broke his promise and I'm left with just waiting and denying
Soon, Every other day, I began to stop talking
I pretend I'm the only one breathing and living in a place I called "me"
Every single second, she turned her back and abandoned me
And from that second on, she will never hear me nor her voice shall ever bring peace.

Anyway, school's ending real soon...we're talking weeks. My brain cells are dying rapidly with the ideas I'm spewing. Friends are going to leave me for other more important things and I'm left with a hope that life would change for the better when I go to Poly..that is, if I actually make it...