27 MARCH 2006 1101 to 1301...

The time spelled the end to it all..everything for the last 3 years. Time for some soul searching and reflection and revelations. And walking down memory lane and remembering some fucking mistakes that you've probably made over the course that maybe did pissed someone off.

I remembered how I was as a person and as an Express Student 4 years ago. I was a lost soul, just wandering about, searching for any glimpse of a moment that's remotely close to happiness. I'm not sure if I was any unhappy about anything then except about being a lousy grader but even that didn't really matter. Until later.

That year was so brillianly orchestrated by God that I think I was completely changed. Changed for something much bigger than who I already am. Changed into someone who finally sees and understood the bigger picture in life yet...SO unwilling to move on to better, less hurtful things. (Well, it is still unfair when you took her away from me.)
The whole realization of being out of a bad place and not knowing what's up next didn't even hit me hard the day I got my O levels results. I knew I sucked, I just didn't know how badly. Then there's the glimpse of The Moment - ITE. Just like most people, i didn't think highly of ITEs either..just some place where idiots go to and waste time pretending they aren't. Turns out I was the idiot.

ITE COLLEGE CENTRAL

I LOVE it here at Bishan...been through a lot, Good and Bad..knew just how big a human's heart can be. Found people who couldn't stop teasing me and people who didn't care who I was, Probably because none of them knew about the gayness. It was the first time I scored A in something that's not all about languages. It was the first time I realized I wanna study and fight for something, something I've lost when I was lost. It made me feel happy. The I'm-so-alone-in-the-world-no-one-could-reach-me feeling never did stray; I never feel THAT nervous about exams or projects. It just comes and go and I went with it, becoming a better grader and getting merit bursaries. And made friends for life.

Then came the 2nd year and the stupid oral presentation where I announced to the world i'm gay and in pain. Nobody really did appreciated what I was saying. It was the first time I was so nervous about a presentation cause it was ALSO the first time that I WAS the topic of the whole idea. No one came up to me and said anything. They probably weren't listening that attentively. That part of my life did aroused some curiosity and interest. That's when Yanti comes in. :) That's when she first wanna know about me.

There's another girl in class who's also,probably,might have been gay too. She had a girlfriend in the same school. I thought I found a kindred spirit in her, that we shared something common but nah, i was wrong. We shared a Big nothing...all she wanted is a guy who wouldn't hurt her as much.

Fizah, if you're reading this. Take this as a good thing. When I first saw you, I can't possibly remember when, I thought I wanted to be your friend. You interested me on a level that's sort of fun. I was beginning to learn about stuffs about you, that you're attached, that you loved singing, dancing and SC but hate school and was afraid of me. So I tried spending more time with you and all that. Please do not get the wrong idea. We're nothing more than just good friends,'k? Stay with me here, girl, cause I don't get a lot of good people like you everyday. :)

Roads wind and turn and bend and separate and Now's that time, i guess. Life could only get better from here. Dreams could come true, wedding knots could be tied, work could be better focused on and everyone's moving on. It's a nice thing...