It's utter ironic, it's utter fucked up. And no one sees it. I was born an entity without absolute worth and I am reduced to nothingness, like my entire existence is but to fill up spaces and breath someone else's air. I no longer understand why I'm here, what I did and what I wanted. There is nowhere I could run, no one to prove my worthiness and no one to be. Every day it hurts, and each day I don't know what to do to stop the hurt. "Faith..." She once told me. But I could not believe in it. Those I called 'family' has turned their backs and abandoned me to death the first day they saw me. And as I grow older, their hatred and differences towards me grew. I don't know what I did, or did not do. So every day, my mother continued to yell, to yell for my existence to disappear, like I was never there. I wish I was never there. So everyone else could be happier. So I don't have to feel this much pain. As I learn, there are things I've noticed and embraced. There are things that I would do that defy what others believe in. I don't know why I had to hide, my true self from people who claimed their love for me. I don't know why the person I truly am is such a terrible wicked mistake and doomed for solitude. And I couldn't find a person to talk to, to speak my mind, to give what I could for she too, couldn't change herself for me. It's not her fault, no, it's never. She has been kind so far, too kind, I would say. And I love her, more than anything right now. Of course, not in the way that would made her feel uncomfortable for I know I could never have her. I've grown exhausted, trying to understand why they would 'ravish' me with verbal abuses and soon physical ones too. Now, I just wish they would do whatever they want, just so I could go away.

Meeting Eva was a life-changing experience and she has offered me many things. Some of which, I'm not sure I wanna go through again and some of which, I'll cherished till the day I die. Traveling is a brilliant idea, one Eva has suggested. But if only I had the resources and courage, if only I was as determined as I was, living my life, I'm not going anywhere. She is not going to wait for me, no she won't. She has everything she needs to keep her protected, I don't. If I do leave, people would think that I'm leaving out of selfishness, that what they believed all along was true; that I've got no qualms for my family whatsoever. And then there wouldn't be a home to return to. Eva has a life that would have been mine if I know exactly what I had to do. She has school, she has family, and she has friends who would go running to her about some jerk who broke her heart. Eva has so much to live for in her life; she loves her life. As far as I know, she didn't have secrets she must hid from her family. Or maybe she does, but I wouldn't know. I'm only 20, and here I am, grasping for what little air my family would offer me...

I would love to leave, to shed this skin I've been tripping in and never to quite return. My body would turn into ashes in some foreign soils and made fertilizer to some rose bushes I would've never known about. And so, I would be at peace. It's amazing how I didn't shed a tear, for a single goodbye would bring sting to my eye and irritation in my nose. I guess it wouldn't really help even if I cry. My tears is worth nothing in the eye of my family. They would think it was a weakness, a part of me. So I swore they would never see my tears for there is no way I'm ever letting them put me down. I am going to die, my true self, in this family. I need to take off, run, run to a place where nobody knows me, a place where I might be offered a chance to live my life.

I'm scared, frightened and simply terrified. I don't know what my family would do next, and I don't know if I could take it. Everyday has been a lie. A lie I called my life...Don't worry, I'm not contemplating suicide or anything stupid. It would have been funny if I did.

It will take some time to regain some normalcy. I got what I wanted. I might have given everything to not feel this pain but it was the truth, it came from her and something I have to get into my thick skull, whether I like it or not. In the case, her decisions were my decisions.

I couldn't sleep last night after she left to do physics. Apparently there was a sharp pain where my heart was and I just sat there in silence alone for a tiny while, trying to find a way to distract the impact and also to finish up yet another school assignment. It will take me a long while; I'm still pretty much reeling from the pain. It's stupid, I am stupid, but I got what I deserved, I knew what I was putting myself in, putting all my heart in it, thinking one day she might just wanna be with me. It's a terrible joke and it's on me. I remembered she told me she didn't wanna hurt me, because she couldn't figure her feelings out and I recalled saying 'it's ok, you don't have to worry about me' and it still stands. I don't want her to worry about me and about this issue. She doesn't have to worry about me. I'm as grateful as I am now, to be part of her life, to be part of her happiness even. It's all I could ask for. i really didn't expect her to feel anything for me anyway. And if you're reading this, thank you. I'm really happy now that I know where I stand. Thank you for letting me be your friend. And I love the way she put it. "You should have known that it will never happen." Ok, so it's not her exact words but it's something like that.

She is so beautiful, in fact her entire clan is beautiful. I don't think I've seen a family made up of so many beautiful people. And they valued family and kinship which is a virtue not many people treasure now. I might have a whole load of relatives and cousins but I've never seen them. I've never learn their names and faces. I'm a bad relative, so it seems. Anyway, as I sat awake last night, I thought of doing something silly like working my ass off to earn the money to fly to Athens and I would sit outside her apartment like an idiot just to surprise her or really freaked her out. Then I checked out Bueno Aires on the internet and I realized I can't speak Spanish and I'm bad with directions. And I tuned the time in my cell phone to that of Bueno Aires and Athens...I also realized something. There might be a tiny problem with the whole wonderful travelling thing. I wouldn't graduate until 2009 and by then she would have had travel to South America or whatever she wants to. She wouldn't wait for me. I didn't think.

The marketing proposal is finally handed up, a huge sense of relief is an understatement. And of course, there is still the presentation but everyone would tell you it's the least of their problems now. It was like a marathon and everyone was almost driven crazy trying to finish up the proposal. They probably really hate Marketing now, along with the lecturer who apparently likes to talk about sex during lecture, not that it's anything bad but still...

Right now, I'm comtemplating about joining a writing competition. I'm not sure how good I am, you know. Every time when I believe that I had it in my bag, I don't and that's when the rejection and disappointment hit like a truck. Rejection? Not for me period. My parents have somehow made me believe that I'm weak. They didn't think I could get the money for an overseas trip with my classmates, they didn't think I could sit through 6 sessions of pain without crying my heart out. I don't blame them for thinking that way...I don't wanna have to worry about what they or anyone thinks. I am me, and I change as I deemed fit.

"No way November will see our goodbyes
When it comes to December it's obvious why.
No one wants to be alone at Chrismas time.
Come January, we're frozen inside.
Making new resolutions a hundred times
February won't you be my valentine?
And we'll both be safe till St. Patrick's day."