Almost 10 days since my last update. First week of school just ended..and é new one starts today...was late for Marketing..there was something wrong with my mother..she's gone nuts. Anyway, i managed to make it by 1.30..and the lesson has not exactly started yet. Hmm..post attachment and post-19th birthday..Totally appreciated Fizah and Yanti with the CD and cake smashing..haha! Was the only fun thing that day..back in school, everyone who remembers remembered and i was happy...thank you guys!

Deepa and I are getting back on track again, i know i said that i won't talk to her ever again and here i am, talking with and about her...again. Well, i hear her out and i wanted to make it right..this will be the last chance though, that is if she ever screws up again..We are mostly chatting like a day per week so it's ok..cause i would actually wanna talk to her.

Fizah and Yanti brought this Adidas watch and i'm supposed to get one too..i'm waiting for my cheque..if i could get it this week..i could also get the watch. And then there's the DVDs..and i need to get a job soon cause i can't go broke after my attachment cheque. Wish me luck!

Great news, today, 19 Nov 2005 marks the last day of my IAP which stands for Inplant Attachment Programme. Everyone was happy..with the eating, slacking, chatting and drawing and stuffs..I didn't miss the place at all..except for Reena. She was my manager for a week. She was the girl i said resembled Deepa..She's Muslim..probably that's the problem..4 days to the end of attachment and suddenly she was ignoring me. She wouldn't talk to me or even mentioned my name. She wouldn't even looked at me. I think i know why. It was my fault. Totally...I unintentionally told her about me and Because I'm a lesbian and clearly, her and her religion comdemned homosexuality. She wanted to distance herself. She thinks homosexuals are a bunch of crazy freakish people who didn't realize the shit they are in...or it could also be the language barrier. I don't speak Malay..she started talking and having lunches with my other colleagues..totally ignoring me there..She thought i was irritating and stuff and i thought i should just forget about her too..like i never knew her. And today marked the last day i would see her. I didn't miss a thing...Christmas's coming..so it's my birthday..Todaý's a happy day. So glad that i'm out!

Spent a couple hours at the Esplanade with Yanti, talking and chilling..told her about Deepa and classmates, first impressions of each other and how we got closer etc...introduced her Adeline, my colleague...it's nice having the chance to sit down and talk...we never get to do that..one thing's missing though, Fizah. She would have perfect the whole chilling thing. Yanti agreed that i should forget about her and get a life back. I should be strong for myself and be untangled from this web of apparent deceit and confusion. And i agreed that i should forget about her but somehow for a whole second, i felt bad, and questions started arising. Like what if i lost Deepa for good? Was it worthwhile? Can i not try harder? Did we?

I have had enough of her insecurities, faithlessness in me and the incapability to express her feelings. Well, apparently, she wasn't good in typing. And she still believes that i'm in love with someone else, for example, her college mate, Jean. I felt no connection and anything remotely interesting about her. Maybe I never did. She sent me this email and i read it. It was nothing new. We'll see how it'll goes..and whether i'm as strong as i believed in.

While Yanti sat and talk, i wished time would leave us behind so we could talk for as long as time's possible but of course, we can't. I actually waited for the last train for 10 minutes. I reached home around 1 in the morning and i had to go to work at 7..Yeah, work. Walked towards the mrt station with my manager who happens to live near me after work today...showed me in the direction of the train station so i could take train in the morning and not be stuck in the bus full of humans. She's kinda cool,i think, I don't know..talked about Jeslyn and this other girl from work and how their attitudes sucked and how we prayed that what they reap does bite them in their asses.

It's another new day of work and headaches plus stomach cramps and shiverings..hope i could get up in the morning and not be late.

Last night, i thought i was chatting with Deepa, about work and stuff but turned out we ain't really chatting at all. A few nights back, she introduced me to her college friend, Jean which i found great pleasure knowing and talking with. We didn't talk much anyway but it was nice. And i didn't realized Deepa was going all jealous on me. She thought i was interested in Jean, whom she introduced me in the first place and talked very little with. I told her she was being assumptious and silly and that it's near impossible for me to be interested in a stranger, especially one so far away. And the conversation took a bad turn. So bad that i would never talk to her again. Ever.

Well, apparently I'm the saddest person on earth who is a cruel, pathetic fucking liar, faker, that i didn't know what love is and I was toying with her feelings...the list goes on. I was hurt, i think but i didn't bothered to even explain anymore. I didn't care to even be on the defensive. I just wanted out. Free of this ridiculous mistake. I simply agreed with what she said...Yeah, so i'm a pathetic fucking liar who toyed with her feelings and was constantly lying to her, just waiting her to break in pain. Only I'm not.

I got really mad and pissed off with what i had to deal with constantly. I told her I don't love her and never would and she took it that it has been my intention from the very start to hurt her. I really don't care. I'm too tired. I deteled her cell number, email address and my Yahoo Messenger which i initially downloaded for her and i should detele her from my Friendster account and MSN Messenger too. She tried to call me and i didn't pick up at all. I don't wanna talk, i don't wanna talk to someone who never saw me for the person i am. She never did saw me.

Right now, i hope i could just live my life again. In Peace and in Love.

My first blog in such a long while...Started my 1st day at work and i can't believe who i saw. It's her, the girl who i met twice at the train station, and who in a weird coincidence, reminds me of Deepa cause she kinda resembled her. And you bet i got a hell of a shock when i saw her right that corner.Apparently, she's one of the immediate supervisor i might have to report to if by any chance, i'm working under her..Work..i have to make 140 calls to companies to confirm their addresses..it's totally not me to actually call anyone and imagine 140! but of course i did..i'm left with like 10 companies before i finished A. And just A alone, took me 4 hours to call! My neck hurts like hell, shoulders soon, headaches..feeling kinda miserable. Friends going overseas while i work my shit off..Some girl is heading for Down Under, in fact another guy is too..but he's there for NS training but still...it's the Down Under..and an old friend of mine, she's going to China and Hong Kong with her boyfriend's family, purely for pleasure. How cool is that! And she told me she could get back before my birthday so she could celebrate it with me! She always remember my birthday...while on the other hand, i'm the fucking friend who can't remember anyone's birthday except mine. Thank God i don't have to work on Tuesday and Thursday. God, i needed the break!