27 November 2006

I really dig the whole Singaporean nationality and born and raise but sometimes, this society really did a great job at pissing me off. I’m way past hurt and I’m definitely not looking for pity, some understanding maybe, but not pity. I’m just pissed. Everyone wants to put a label on absolutely anything and everything because that way, it would fulfill the controlling jerk inside of them. I don’t care if people call me names or screamed and yelled just to get away from me. What I care about was how seriously screwed up everyone is. You can’t label love or any kind of relationships, you can’t label feelings and emotions, you can’t label an attraction, mutual or not, that’s another story and you sure damn can’t label human beings. I mean, don’t people understand just how rapidly and how unpredictably a human being undergoes metamorphosis? Ok, sure, I get the whole I need labeling because it made me comfortable deal. I get the whole comfort zone thing. What I don’t get is how people went about labeling things & people. People they barely knew, let alone had the time and effort to establish the certain degree of understanding needed in order to pass judgments.

I’m not anti-heterosexuals. I just wanted people to see me or us in general who we really are. We’re normal people, we eat, we think, some of us snores and most of us sneeze and jump and scream and make love. We’re not that different and I would hate to believe that having faith in doing something so honest would be considered a sin. As long as we’re clean, we’re responsible and honest and not hurt anyone; we’ll be like you and me.

Ever since I was admitted to TP, I always wanted to set up a club akin to what some universities in the Western countries called the Lesbians Alliance and of course, I can’t. I mean, I don’t have resources or connections and most importantly I don’t have the green light. But I could still think about it…

25 November 2006

Ok, busy head, busy schedule. Now that my life only revolves around school, I really needed to get most things done. I’ve working on the plot structure, been trying to keep true the whole wonderful perfect lesbian relationship and the evil twin sister and of course the whole how do you get back from an amnesia and live life again. This time it wasn’t Alexandria with the head trauma, it’s my favorite Tara who got it instead. I believe it would offer a new set of twists and stuffs. I would probably post it up but then again, those who knew me know I just can’t stick with one plot. Otherwise, I would have been done years ago.

Since the inevitable dawn of the new semester in October, workload has increased and there are Lots and more of responsibilities and obligations in school that I really had to fulfill. Obligations in the form of projects I can’t seem to get started on are stressing me out a little and I’m a little frazzled and the damn mid-term tests are creeping sinisterly around the corner, just waiting for the right moment to pounce on me like a tiger, and then there’s this lovely girl I met in CW class whom I kind of, sort of, really like. I’ve never had the chance to strike up any kind of a conversation with her and I don’t know a rat’s arse about her yet except for her name and she doesn’t remember me. I really don’t think I’ll be doing anything to get her attention. I can’t handle another getaway. And I’m most positively sure she’s either happily attached or she’s just seriously straight. I’m 20, I get lonely and I get really low sometimes, and all everyone ever said was to wait. You know, wait for the perfect moment, wait for the perfect girl to come along or just wait for a damn perfect timing to check yourself in some homes for the lonely hearts when you turned 50. I’ve made a promise to be patient and not think about it too much but seriously, it sucks, Big Time!! Not sure how long I could hold on.

24 November 2006

Mad doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling when I called my parents about the whole clubbing deal. They will never ever understand where I was coming from. They do not give a damn why I feel what I feel. Or maybe they simply do not care. There are so many things I would love to share with them but I really can’t because I know I’m not ready to actually take in their reactions and process them. It would be downright nasty and ugly if they know the truths. Truths I must forever hide from the people I treasured the most…

Thought I was supposed to head down to IMH today, but not really. I messed up the date, it’s next January. Right now, I need to do a research on Chris Golden and his works but I’ve never really read about anything of his…except for the online animation thing he did on BBC…which is cool. So I decided the school library was the way to go. I mean, it was the place where I spent an entire week just reading when I first got here. So it’s all homely. Anyway, I was just trying my luck, browsing through the Fiction section, hoping to score. And I did! Thank God I did. I knew Chris Golden did a lot of comic-related things but I wasn’t really sure I could find them in the school library. One of the subjects he really went into was X-Men, one of my favorites, I must add and many other stuffs. I don’t really read much of comics because I couldn’t quite read, you know, with the boxes and graphics and I get dizzy and my eyes hurt. Anyway, I was so stoked I actually found a book authored by him and I immediately grab it off its shelf and went to the machine just to realize I forgot to bring my Matriculation card. Damn! Was stumped for a minute but God gave me friends who happened to be around with an available card and I got the book. Right now, it’s the reading part!!

I’ve always been a big fan of the supernatural/horror and magick-related genres. Notice the k at the end? It’s a way for practicing wiccans to distinguish their arts from that of an entertaining magician down Las Vegas or the silly little Genting Highlands. Wiccans are what most ignorant people deemed as witches. You read them in fairy tales and watched them in not quite scary horror movies and you thought these women had to be some potion brewing evil plot scheming people but not really. Wicca is a religion, just like Christianity or Islamic and whatever. The women respect Earth and nature for what it is and they are often more grateful to the Earth’s bounties than anyone around. I’m not certain if they could do real Merlin-like magicks but I know well enough they aren’t bad people. Plus, most of them are really hot! And you are probably asking about the whole cat thing now. The cat is what they’ll refer as a familiar. And sometimes the cat is just a cat. I’m not super sure what the cat is for, but they say that cats are the most mysterious strange aura exuding creatures of the night. Just look into those eyes. I’ve always wanted a cat but too bad I’m only living in a HDB flat so I can’t have a cat. (Hmm, I like how it rhymes…)

23 November 2006

A day ago, 22nd of November, marked my 20th year on Earth and very unfortunately, it fell on a weekday, an extremely busy Wednesday at that and I’m buried under heaps and heaps of school assignments and projects and absolutely stuck with obligations. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't think I was gotten really be able to enjoy the day. There were several consultations and group meetings and I was a little frazzled. Thank God, everything went ok; we know we’re on the right path, blah blah blah...I was stoked when my classmates got me the High School Musical (Musicals always get to me) and this long sleeve Gray top from Giordano. You know the amazing part is, those are the 2 things I’ve been contemplating getting and they got both the gifts for me. Psychic or what? I adore them. Cute bunch of kids and clever and funny and etc… And before I forget, my Psych tutor, Reuben, he pulled a fast one on me. It was finally 11 and everyone’s all ready to leave the class and have lunch and stuff and that was exactly everyone was doing when out of nowhere, Reuben told the class that it was my birthday and I had to stand in front of the class and everyone, strangers, I might add to sing me the birthday song…He gave this little message and a NUS pin. Funny guy…and thank you.

I was pretty smug to have my girls, F and Y plotting something sinister, I assumed behind my back and I was a mix between anxiety and gratitude. And as usual, F’s boyfriend had to so conveniently come by and ruined a perfect girls day out but I really couldn’t blame her; she’s quite torn. They gave me this little brown hardcover book with glue and photos in it and left me touching messages and treated me lunch and then, surprised me with my favorite dessert, the black forest cake. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling quite well during lunch but I finished and have enjoyed the cake and lunch. I’ve not seen them for so long and Y was pretty excited about my still incomplete tattoo…haha!! Next week’s gotten be F’s 20th birthday and I can’t wait!!!

After bidding goodbyes and really making the boyfriends wait while we chatted in the toilet, I met up with Nicole, one of my longest friends and my favorite girls. (I can’t stress enough; she’s quite the troubled character) We were supposed to meet around 10pm at City Hall but turned out she was in Marina Square with another friend of hers and ok, coincidence much?? I was having lunch with the girls at Marina Square too. Nic and I and her friend, Jeff, were supposedly going clubbing at Zouk, one of local’s hippest hangouts. It was really one of the rarest blue moons for I'm never much of a clubbing person. I would like to think of myself as someone who knows how to have fun and the companionship of great buddies but definitely not much of a clubber. Call me an old London Pub-goer if you must… you know with a couple of drinks and really really nice music and chairs by the bar counter…that’s me all right. And because I wasn’t exactly in the appropriate attire for a night out in Zouk, Nic and I and Jeff went over to Bugis village to kinda get me something to wear. I only had $50 budget but I knew exactly where to go. And boy, did I get a bargain and a phone number of that sales assistant I’ve always wanted since I first stepped into the store. I wouldn’t say if she’s not a little suspicious when I asked for her number…Hmm…

Well, it's another Friday and Fridays could only mean nice. You get to do a whole lot of other things. Except I can't, for my computer has crashed and I'm all screwed up with incomplete school assignments and all. Right now, I'm sitting in a community center, paying $2.50 per hour for using the darn computer...This place reminded me of my past..a pretty recent past. It was the same place I chanced upon her, the same place we have had hours of great conversations and the place where I'll sometimes leave cursing that time was simply too short...it used to be a place that held fond memories, if not costly. For a very short moment, I thought about emailing her. Past histories advised me against the idea for I wouldn't wanna actually start the damned cycle with her again. It's all ugly and berating..and I would never wanna go back to it again. But a tiny part of me just wanna know if she's ok..oh well, it'll passed.

Chatted with a new friend today, she's a native Candanian but she goes to school in The States. She shared with me about how she and her girlfriend hooked up and the problems they've dealt with and all that. I'm pretty amazed to hear it from someone else. Someone who knew what's it like. She encouraged me in my ongoing quest to look for the right Her, seeing how she just got hooked up with hers a while ago. We'll chat more and we'll see.

My mum almost found out about the whole tattoo deal. I was more than pertrified, and I sort of fought back a little. Right now, I think she's convinced that if I did have a tattoo, it's nothing but a temporary one. Safe for now.

"You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew"

It has been hard to write. About anything at all. It wasn't supposed to but it is. My brain always has its little annoying way of processing my thoughts and memories in ultra-babbling mode. You know the way how you have so many things you wanna process and find answers to but you can't because it's just too much? It's like I wanted to do something about it, but I can't cause there wasn't a way I could focus or when that nasty Writer's Block thing comes up and block me out completely. I hate that feeling. I mean I've been trying to work the stupid story out for the past, I don't know, almost 3 years now? And I've got nothing, well, nothing good anyway. I kept wanting to change the plot and the names of the characters and their personalities and the kind of things they'll most likely to think and say and believe in all the freaking time. I always have something new coming up, you know in the middle of the night, and I wanted so badly to incorporate my ideas into the story but it seems impossible. I have school now and I have that part time job at the video store, time and brain cells are definitely not on my side. Plus, I'm not a trained writer in anyway and beside, I've never loved anyone or loved by anyone and god, I definitely do not have the happy family thing everyone keeps assuming I do. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing about it....

Talking about relationships, I finally watched "Imagine Me and You", a real cool hour and a half British comedy about how you could find your soulmate the moment you set eyes on her. It's bloody rated R21 in Singapore so I couldn't actually watch it, not after next November anyway and I was absolutely mad and down with the stomping of feet and pouty lips when I knew I might never be able to watch it..I cannot tell you how many times I've watched the trailer but thank god, I did! A friend of mine brought the DVD. It's beautiful, short and sweet and pretty much true, if you let yourself believe in Le Flash, the French term for falling in love with most probably a stranger within 3 seconds of your life. It's not about pressing the forward button so you could watch 2 gorgeous women making out among flowers with thorns at the back of a florist shop, it's about how 2 beautiful unrelated-at-first people coming together and eventually discovering exactly what true love is and entails and of course the places love could bring them. Admitting to love is a brave act and admitting that you as a woman are in love with another woman is even more powerful and requires even more courage, especially in a little screwed up society like Singapore. Trust me, I've learnt that the hard way.

"I'm in love with this girl but she's with someone else." "Does she loves
you?" "No...Yes. But it doesn't matter anymore. It's over." "It's all that matter."

These couple of weeks have been hectic, in the real sense of the word. For the first time in my short half a year in TP, I actually skipped the Marketing lecture. Deliberately. You see, I took Marketing when I was in ITE and I couldn't believe that I have to redo the same stuff over again. It's that bloody B I've scored because of the stupid Marketing Project I so managed to screw up at the last minute. I was so helpless...but since I can't do nothing about it, I would continue to be the good student and go for lectures...Damn!! And I'm really having problems with that Macroeconomic Lecturer. God, I've never seen anyone that complicated before!!

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little piece of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
Still i can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer each day
So close that i can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And i don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know