J'étais son immortalité

Watched 'Sweet November'last night and I got to cry my eyes out..which is normally cool...Love the show...it's one of those shows with no real good ending yet it's not bad at all..."You're my immortality...I love you, Nelson Moss." "I love you, Sara Deever."

"She just need a month to change his life forever"




I love this line..


Anyway, after watching the show, I realized how little I'm living life..Here I am, stuck in a body of business student who's not even really interested in business in the first place, always so conscious about everything..her body, her face, her clothes, her everything, the way she talks etc...She's going nowhere...

I need to let myself go, do things that I'll enjoy..and learn to let the pain slide...I'm her immortality, she didn't go anywhere...nowhere at all..She just kinda went somewhere with her love for me and my love for her..She's having a good time somewhere and someday, I can be blind and still find her and we can both have a good time together then.

Learn to stop and live in the present and try not to dodge the past nor yearn the future..at least not so much. I need to get a life that I want...

Today's the 3rd day of my 'it's me alone' day...I have not spoken to her (mum) for 3 days. And now, every time I see her, it's nothing but hatred and scared. This is the first time we've not spoken for so long and the first time I wanted her out of my life. I want nothing to do with her as much as she wants nothing to do with me. I guess if things are the way they are now..there's nothing I should be afraid of anymore.. I could be myself, I could be gay, I could work and save for my tattoos and DVDs..I could do what I want..I could write as much and kept as many diaries that I want cause no one will read them.

I can be alone.

Now that I've also deny any contact nor hope for any reconcilation with Dee, I am but free. No restraints, no 'what if she's hurt?', nobody and nothing to care about at all. I'm me and me alone. I would live my life the way I always wanted and be as silent as the dead.

She never did care about me, nor wish I was something more, nor ever tries to understand me as a person or saw what I did or trying to do. All she ever cares about is her son. All she believes in is that one fine day, her son would take care of her and they will live happily ever after with a dozen of bloody kids and a nice daughter-in-law who's not out to steal her son away from her and that I wouldn't be in her face cause I'm somewhere else, somewhere really far, living my own life. That would have been nice, wouldn't it?

I could cope alone..I always have. I could even do without the talking as long as you don't count that part where I speak to myself. She's never here and she's think I'm never there. We have always beEN so...No one interferes with nobody's business...

I'm happy. I don't know... well, at least that's what I tried to convince myself of..that night I sat hiding in the toilet and crying my eyes out and I know no one cares if I die or vanished into thin air. The way her words pierced into my soul and forever deny me of her love. The wound would never heal the way I've never truly speak to her.

See? I even have to write something about it...

Every single night, I listened to her whining and screaming
Every single night, I pray that God will eventually come save me
And Every single night, he broke his promise and I'm left with just waiting and denying
Soon, Every other day, I began to stop talking
I pretend I'm the only one breathing and living in a place I called "me"
Every single second, she turned her back and abandoned me
And from that second on, she will never hear me nor her voice shall ever bring peace.

Anyway, school's ending real soon...we're talking weeks. My brain cells are dying rapidly with the ideas I'm spewing. Friends are going to leave me for other more important things and I'm left with a hope that life would change for the better when I go to Poly..that is, if I actually make it...

Friday
Met with Adeline to finish up her IAP Powerpoint on Friday and then we went shopping at Orchard..bought stuffs. And now I owed her $65 for a black top, a pair of sandals and a dinner and I think it's gotten take around 13 days for me to return my debt if I save $5 a day..Overall it was fun. Returned home and missed around 10 minutes of Survivor and they actually got Misty out! I like Misty...damn it!

After watching Survivor, I read Brokeback Mountain and just like any other gay/lesbian stories, it didn't have a good ending. I expected it, of course. Jack Twist, played by Jake Gyllenhaal in the movie, died in a freaky accident, leaving the man who loved him all along alone. The story was about time and companionship and feelings between 2 persons. It didn't happened. It just happened. 2 persons of the same sex who happened to fall in love. Just don't emphasis whether it's about 2 men. Just don't. Cayse everyone knows that it always is a fucked-up situation whether it's heterosexual or homosexual.. Love is a fucked-up situation.

They have been through rough times together, spent enough time together, married and had several kids to call Father..I mean, however so, the love will always be there. And no one has any right to deny that. There's something in the book that I like. "if you can't fix it, you've got to stand it." Too bad, I can't watch the movie...




Saturday
Supposed to go to Fizah's so we could watch The O.C. Season 2 but I was down with a 38.3 fever, cough, sore throat and body aches. Therefore we couldn't hang. Yesterday was like hell for me..I couldn't do anything...Super headache and all alone and all that..Thank god my temperature dropped to 36.3 in the evening. Less headache but still as weak and sore throat. Water's like my best friend now!

Anyway, my mum didn't care if i was feeling better..she was just anxious to get me out of bed to do the housework and stuff...now that she's out for work and I'm all alone at home..I'm definitely feeling better...

Le Calme Avant l'Orage

I hate it when my mum would scream at my dad or at me. There has to be something wrong in her..could be menopause, i don't know. Her temper has been really bad for a long time now..I mean, I know the kind of person she is, I just didn't expect it to be that bad, you know..she kept yelling and throwing things or not speaking when I talked to her...I hate it. That's why she could never understand me. The person I am and who I really is inside. Or what I want. Maybe she stop caring for me...a long time back...

L'Expérience de Survivant

Yesterday was Vincent's 21st birthday party at Changi and all of us went. Yeah, it's the big 21. There were a lot of people whom we didn't know. The only people whom we could probably recognized were people from ISN. Everyone else was weird. So we went to the beach and I got pushed down the water. And of course, we had eggs and flour. Only not. The day was kinda ruined...with the long traveling time and the girlfriend being unhappy or maybe protective of her boyfriend whom we would have mistaken as her husband plus we were starved and Starved translated to Annoyance. I mean we understand that things have changed since NITEC. We used to just speak what's on our mind without giving much thoughts and how that has to go now...things are different with a girlfriend around, someone whom you care a great deal for and wanna protect at all costs. I totally get it but of course, we weren't that happy about it at first..but no one holds grudges and we will adapt to the changes and looking at the bright side, it could be a Happily Ever After for them. It's like the Engagement Party in disguise last night with the cake san Marriage. Haha!

Waited for Andrew to turn up last night..he had Dance Club something going on and he kinda aligned at the wrong bus stop because according to him, I was rushing him and he made a wrong judgement therefore aligning several bus stops away. I hanged out with him in the chatlet room while he showered and I read newspapers. We actually wanted to watch the DVD he brought but his friends came in and wanted to play games so we hanged out with his ISN classmates at the pit and we were talking and everything. They are pretty funny and pretty nice too. So it was good I stayed over a while longer while Mary and gang went home. Eventually my dad came to pick us ('drew and me) up around 12.40 and we went home..Before we leave, Vincent's sister asked if we're a couple and I told her "No,we're more like strangers that happened to be living in Yishun and that my dad is picking him up and so forth." and that made everyone laughed which is good cause I wanna make it funny. And Drew pretended to be hurt and he said "You could have just told them we're friends!" And I laughed.

Drew's like the first guy who I am comfortable with, you know..cause that hardly happens. I met him while on the horrible attachment and I found that I could hang out with him pretty well. I mean, I don't really know him that well yet but we seemed comfortable. He's a Christian and he strongly believes that God will lead him to his wife and so forth...I admired his faith in God when everything around us is wrong and screwed. Anyway, he tried to talk me out of being gay and all that..and I listened to him..but no one knows what will happen...

Maybe that's why we're so cool. He probably has no qualms about me being a girl or someone who needed protection and stuff cause i think he thinks just because i'm gay, I'm just like another guy...and we could be open about things..I know the staying in the room alone with him sounded kinda weird but I swear we were joking when he said he would give me his 'first night' and I pretended to undress.

Ok, this is one of the songs that got me all ripped out inside and here it is...

"Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than?
A year ago today
Looking over my shoulder
I was so much younger then
I can't believe what happened
A year ago today
And I just can't forget about it
It wouldn't mean a thing
You went away
A year ago today
Another year gone by
Oh the tears have run dry
Life seemed so unkind
A year ago today
And I just can't understand it
And I don't think I ever will
You went away
A year ago today
And how many times have I questioned myself
What more could I do
And how many times did I fool myself
Over you oh yeah
You've gotta pick yourself up,
Take another look
And dust yourself off cause life's not too good,
I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again
Love will never end
And though we're so far apart
You're forever in my heart
Another year older
A little bit stronger
On this anniversary
You're watching over me
You went away
A year ago today
You ran away
A year ago today"

Eventually, a conclusion will be drawn.

I've been thinking, about stuffs, important stuffs. And I know I will never fall in love with her. I might have to be cruel and brutually frank this time. Nothing about her fascinates me. No interest nor curiosity whatsoever. I'm officially cutting off any possible contacts with her and unless something happen, it's not working.

Ok, back to my life...got back my marketing paper. Could have done better. Watched 'Strong Medicine' on Star World and something struck me. Hard. What if I've given her my heart?...But of course, it won't work cause she died almost instantly...there wouldn't be enough time. Heaven and Time wouldn't allow us that.
No Second Chance.

Guilt's gripping. You gotten grab hold of that second chance to do right. If that chance ever comes to you.