I wanted to understand. Who I am and why I'm here. I'm still looking for those answers of course. And right now, this freaking minute, I would like to start a clean slate, stop the chalk from running and messing up the board that is me.

I believe a basic introduction is appropriate to help me understand about stuff.

I'm me and I'm gay.

Nothing in hell will change that. Coming out to myself some 3, 4 years ago has been one of those times when I believed for a true moment, it was happiness for me. I never saw the honesty and cool and collected side that was me before that. I've taken things face value, never reading too much into them until much much later, well, not until they eventually became problems I had to face anyhow. Anyway, it was a good thing, a very happy thing for a while. And then, happiness became reality and then there are things I have to deal with and live with if I wanna be happy. Brain surgeon here worked her way in, starting from her best and longest friend. I was like a little pup who needed support and approval from people she loves. And she gets it from her best friend, someone she assumed knows her.

Best friend, Nic didn't get it quite at first, it was all blurry water color paint for her, if not, new. But eventually she figured it was cool, I am still the same person she went to school and spent birthdays wearing dresses with. And she knew, I had to be gay, from those tiny and harmless obsessions I had on one of those female teachers when we're in school, how I never got a boyfriend, how I WAS never interested in getting one...A best friend does sense these things huh? Anyway, talking about Nic, there are just too many things to worry about her. Maybe it's just me but I have this feeling that I'm losing her, to something I can't see. Just last afternoon, I noticed this old photo taken at my brother's birthday and Nic and her brother were there too. As I looked at it, I wanted things to be like in those times, when we were just hanging out and there wasn't a problem we couldn't solve if only we tried...I wanted the old Nic back. I wanted her to not be obsessed with herself, her boyfriends problems and all that...and for once, be genuinely happy that she's even alive. Last night, a mutual friend of ours, Lynn called me. I've not seen her for the longest time and out of a blue, there's a phone call. If anyone knew me, they know that I do not take calls that aren't in my contact list, that including private numbers and whatnots. Anyway, hers was a private number and I was writing my notes for my coming exams and I dismissed it. So the next thing she did was to send me a message. That, on the other hand, I will reply, whether I recognizes the number or not.

She told me she might be pregnant. I knew I had to drop my work and meet her up and be there for her. (It's a good thing she lives only 2 blocks away) Silly to say, Lynn was in total frantic-mode. Apparently she decided to do it with her boyfriend of a couple months back in her own bedroom some couple of days. I couldn't even tell her that she's damn stupid, it's no longer relevant. She wanted to know if she was going to have a child, I told her she had to wait, for at least a couple of weeks before anything shows. She didn't think she could get through it without any help, anyone. Mr. Smart Ass guy's in camp and he's not going to be there for her. Well, at least he didn't shirk responsibilties and left her in lurch. Anyway, Lynn wanted I can't remember the boyfriend's name to check out abortion clinics and I went out of my way to convince her against abortion. She just wasn't getting it.

As far as I'm concerned, a child is a gift. If I were in her shoes, I would raise the kid no matter the costs. The kid's mine and the least I could do is to raise him/her good and right. Anyway, I think the kid'll be the happiest one in town, since he/she wouldn't have to worry if he/she's gay or when he/she's contemplating a tattoo or something. Mom here, been there, done that. Besides, a kid could give you joy you can't imagine and hell you didn't think you could pull through...it'd be great. But before that, a long way to go...

This is for you, my dear Eva. I don't need a reason anymore, for the things I've done and will be doing for you. I love you, you're a very important person in my life now and I believe we have made plans to take over the world. I understand that in this lifetime, you will never ever fall in love with me. I accepted that and I'll deal. No worries. I can't lie to say I wasn't jealous, I am only human but those feelings come and go in a flash. And I've learnt to live with it. I am only happy you found Javier, for he deserves you as much as you him. He's a great person, I think. And like I've told you, if I can't give you happiness, I'll make sure someone else is.

I don't know what the future holds but as long as I try my best, things can't be any worse than they are now. I'm trying to figure out the person I am, so I could be the person I wanna be in the future. I think I wanna write and perhaps cook too. I can't wait for classes to start next semester which is probably end of March or April. When I am able to cook, you shall be my first to taste it. If possible, I would cook for you, for the rest of my life and even for your kids. And also Maria, the carbonhydrates she needed and liked so much.

I often felt as if I've placed myself in an invisible prison, chained and locked away because I've discovered who I am, or parts of who I am. I wanted to get out, break free of my thoughts, thoughts that I am less than what I can be, thoughts that have made me weak. I would need some time and I will find a way. The first step is letting my family know, everything that is to be known about me. Should I tell my family about me? Should I let them in? I don't know. All I know is that I'm scared, I am a coward. I can't imagine their reactions and disappointment. I'm pretty done with the waiting and hiding. I wanted so much to be honest, to be true, the way I was to myself. I needed assurance to tell me that it isn't that bad, when I do tell them. I don't need their acceptance and understanding, but I would like them to be happy with my choices in life. Do you think they could do that?




Anyway, I'm having this little section at the end of my entry where I tell people the songs I'm currently listening to on my IPOD. Just so you know, the songs I'm listening to pretty much gives you a picture of what I was going through or feeling...you know, for that period of time.





A Whole New World - Disney Original Soundtrack (Aladdin)
Alanis Morrisette - Everything
Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No
Ashlee Simpson - Love Makes the World Go Round, Love Me for Me, Better Off
Daniel Powter - Love You Lately
Hilary Duff - Cry, Hide Away
John Mayer - St. Patrick's Day
KT Tunstall - Heal Over, Other Side of The World
Mandy Moore - It's Gonna Be Love
Mandy Moore feat. Jonathan Foreman - Someday We'll Know
Nelly Furtado - All Good Things Come To An End
Sarah Mclachlan - River, Hold On, I Love You
Switchfoot - I Dare You to Move

“Till death do us part, my love, if only for a short while.”

Clutching the letter so tightly her knuckles turned pale, Tara Gellar fought off in futile the impossible raging surge of emotions that go on inside her. She could not distinguish between gratitude and anger that Alexis hid the letter. AJ spotted the letter when he was fumbling through one of those secret drawers his father had in his study room. The young boy has taken it upon himself to clearing Alexis’ stuff. Tara never cared about those drawers simply because it did not matter. “Well, I have secrets of my own too, you know.” She replied with a mischievous grin, when Alexis wondered if she were ever curious about what he had in those drawers, the secrets he kept. Now that she thought about it, if no one ever did fumbled through those drawers, she would never have had the chance to read Alexis’ letter to her. Years has since slipped away the way her beloved husband did, as silent as night, as inevitable as death usually was. But Tara could still recall vividly the ugly meltdown after Alexis’ funeral service, with her son. It was the first time she ever hit him. AJ’s grades were slipping and he decided he should skip his lectures so he could fail his year-end papers.

“I don't have anybody.” AJ yelled, at the top of his lungs. “What? Of course you do, AJ. You have me!” Tara was taken aback by his son’s sudden outburst. “No, I don't. You won't even look at me. It's so obvious you don't want me around.” “That's not true.” Tara said unconvincingly. It would have been deception to say that it has been easy and painless living with AJ, especially after Alexis died. Every time she looked at AJ, she saw his father; the messy blond hair, the same sparkle and the color of summer meadows that would reflect from his big, emerald eyes. At times, Tara found it hard to even stay in the same room. Ironically, it was the only reason why they even tried for a kid. Alexis wanted a part of him behind, to protect and love his Tara, the way he had. It sure was one hell of a risk they took.

“Yes it is. Dad ... died, and it's like you don't even care.” AJ countered harshly. Tara was shocked and tears stung her eyes. “Of course I care. How can you even think that?” “How can I not? You haven't even cried. You've just been running around like it's been some big chore or something. Cleaning up after Dad's mess.” Tara slapped AJ across the face as he yelped, putting his hand to his swollen cheek. As soon as her action sank, Tara put her hand over her mouth in horror. “AJ ... I've been ... working. I've been busy, because I have to…” “No! You've been avoiding me.” AJ confronted his mother. “I'm not! ... I have to do these things, 'cause ... 'cause when I stop, then he's really gone.” AJ frowned in confusion, trying to make sense of his mother’s words. “And I'm trying. AJ, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Your father always knew.” Truth was Alexis has always been the stronger one among them. “Nobody's asking you to be Dad.” “Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, AJ? Have you even thought about that? Who's gonna make things better?” Tara cried harder. “Who's gonna take care of us?” “Mom…” “I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me.” AJ watched in tears as his mother collapsed on the floor. “I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared.”

In retrospect, Tara didn’t have the slightest idea how she lasted this long, with no means to fend for her own child and no anybody to speak of. It was then she realized it was Alexis who pulled her through. Albeit Alexis was gone, he had left with Tara memories to last the rest of her life. It took everything Alexis had in him to come clean with Tara, the painful truth he was HIV positive. It was two months before their wedding, when Alexis showed up at Tara’s doorstep, his blood test result in hand. She could tell instantly that something was wrong but she couldn’t put a finger on it. Alexis convinced Tara the test was simply a routine for his medical checkup and that she shouldn’t be fretting over it. Her world shattered as Alexis broke the news.

“You slept with some whore you don’t even know?” Tara questioned harshly her voice broke and wiping away stray tears. She refused to be the weak one and let Alexis see her cry. He could not even bring himself to look at her. “I’m sorry,” He mustered barely. “Sorry, that all you can say?” Her gaze pierced through Alexis’ soul as she slapped him across his face. “How could you?” Tara demanded. Alexis tried to take Tara into his embrace. “How could you?” She said again, fighting off and pounding hard with her fists against Alexis’ chest as she broke down. “I’m sorry…” Under normal circumstances, any sound woman would have broken up the engagement and be grateful to be able go on with life but Tara could never leave Alexis. Okay, so none of that dancing around under a crescent moon and drinking infinite amount of quality champagne and exchanging vows in a church happened but it was Alexis. She could give up that much if it meant still having him around.

“And Andrea called too, she and Brad couldn’t make it either, something about being sick to the stomach. So reception is cancelled.” Tara said, shrugging her shoulders carelessly as she wrote the last few names off their guests list. “It’s better; we’ll have the cake, champagne and all that dancing space to ourselves.” Alexis looked up at his girl. “I think we should elope right now. You always wanted to travel. It’ll be great.” Tara actually managed to look excited and got back to dialing numbers. “I’m sorry but the folks aren’t flying in for the wedding either.” Tara said, putting down the receiver. “Your parents?” Alexis frowned. “Yeah,” she said, dismissively. “Well, my dad used the word ‘abasement’. Abasement, who would have thought of that,” Tara shook her head in disgust, unimpressed, and going through the guest list, just to realize that no one is actually coming. Alexis looked sadly at Tara, studying her, and with his right thumb, caressed her cheeks gently. And no sooner, the façade melted and Tara broke under his touch, started weeping uncontrollably. “He’s my dad!!” Tara yelled, her tears soaking Alexis’ shoulder. “Hush baby…” Alexis whispered in his lover’s ear. “It’s ok…” Tara’s dad, Caleb had once liked him and called him ‘the son he never had’. All he could do now is to run his fingers through Tara’s hair, taking in her every sob and calming her down.

“Honey, what are you doing?” Tara yelled when she found Alexis gone on his side of the bed. Alexis’ health had deteriorated to a point there was not going to be a whole lot of time left. And so he got a house out on the beach; the very same one Tara and he exchanged wedding vows. “Hey, get back to bed, doctor’s order, no, or rather Tara’s order.” Tara ordered when she found Alexis outside the balcony writing into a book. Ignoring her plea, Alexis continued writing. “What did we have for breakfast, do you remember? I wanted to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You have two sunny side-ups, I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs.” Tara smiled at his choice of words. Alexis had gotten up from bed for the sunrise. “Alex, what are you writing this for?” Tara joined her husband by the wooden patio, overlooking the vast sea. “My journal.” “That’s new.” Alexis nodded, his non-writing hand tangled with his wife’s as the couple lay on their stomachs. “I figured, life goes by so fast, if you don’t write it down, things just get lost.” “And I wanna remember.” “Down every last bagel.” “Down to every last everything I do with you.” Alexis said as he looked into the eyes of the woman he loved so dear. Alexis barely finished his last word when he realized the sky was getting brighter. “It’s going to be light soon, honey” Alexis said, almost inaudible. The wasted man had his beloved wife tucked comfortably between his legs and they sat watching the sunrise. Tara fought her tears. She could feel Alexis slipping away as the sun crosses the horizon. “And you’re leaving.” She said, resigned. “Baby, you know I would stay as long as you want me.” Tara didn’t know if his words were meant to make her feel better. “How’s forever? Does forever work for you?” Alexis forced a smile across his pale face when he heard his wife. It has been too long since he heard his Tara throw a childish tantrum. “It has been forever, sweetie.”

"I, Tara Deidre Gellar take you, Alexis Jacob Gallagher, to be my lawful husband to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."


Ok, so I know this is the third time I've posted this thing up but honestly, I can't write no further. What started as an assignment/adventure sort of ended with an anti-climax. Yes, the story was anti-climatic, as I may quote my tutor's exact word. And he also used 'melodrama'. I'm not perfectly sure if it was a bad word but it definitely is not a good word. Anyway, I've checked the dictionary and it says something about a play with a sensational plot & violent emotional appeal...Hmm, what do you think? And also, I prided myself for being able to reduce a originally 2500 words story to a 1585 words. That's pretty close, isn't it? The word limit was set at 1500 words. Anyway, I think I'll have it up for a while longer, people who read it, please tell me what you think about it.