"When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you endlessly
And when you're mad cause you lost the game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby I love you
I love you anyway
Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you
No matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you
A little more each time
And when you can't quite match you clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
that's when I love you I love you
More than you know
And when you forgot that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby I love you ,I love you anyway
So here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you
No matter what
Ohh that's when I love you when nothing baby, nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, the more I love, the more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you , when I love you no matter what
Ohhhh no matter what"

For the past couple of days, I lost track of time, don't even know what day it is. I didn't drink enough water nor get sufficient sleep, my head's a blur and my life's a bore. I need to find a way to get myself together

Been to 2 chalets and bailed on a clubbing trip down Clarke Quay. My friends are probably coming up with ways now to hunt me down and skinned me. I just couldn't..i think i had a condition. I felt so out of touch with anything..and it has been so since forever...Oh GOd..

Right now, it's the waiting. The wait to see if i'm getting anywhere, the wait to see if I ever get to get anywhere. Read the horoscope last night, said if i'm stuck in a rut, i need to get out..travelling. God knows how much I desire that...to be in a new place, to be a stranger and learner and all that exciting stuffs..to be able to speak English and not be laughed at. It's such a big world out there, and I'm sure there're tons of people who believe and agree with what I say.

27 MARCH 2006 1101 to 1301...

The time spelled the end to it all..everything for the last 3 years. Time for some soul searching and reflection and revelations. And walking down memory lane and remembering some fucking mistakes that you've probably made over the course that maybe did pissed someone off.

I remembered how I was as a person and as an Express Student 4 years ago. I was a lost soul, just wandering about, searching for any glimpse of a moment that's remotely close to happiness. I'm not sure if I was any unhappy about anything then except about being a lousy grader but even that didn't really matter. Until later.

That year was so brillianly orchestrated by God that I think I was completely changed. Changed for something much bigger than who I already am. Changed into someone who finally sees and understood the bigger picture in life yet...SO unwilling to move on to better, less hurtful things. (Well, it is still unfair when you took her away from me.)
The whole realization of being out of a bad place and not knowing what's up next didn't even hit me hard the day I got my O levels results. I knew I sucked, I just didn't know how badly. Then there's the glimpse of The Moment - ITE. Just like most people, i didn't think highly of ITEs either..just some place where idiots go to and waste time pretending they aren't. Turns out I was the idiot.

ITE COLLEGE CENTRAL

I LOVE it here at Bishan...been through a lot, Good and Bad..knew just how big a human's heart can be. Found people who couldn't stop teasing me and people who didn't care who I was, Probably because none of them knew about the gayness. It was the first time I scored A in something that's not all about languages. It was the first time I realized I wanna study and fight for something, something I've lost when I was lost. It made me feel happy. The I'm-so-alone-in-the-world-no-one-could-reach-me feeling never did stray; I never feel THAT nervous about exams or projects. It just comes and go and I went with it, becoming a better grader and getting merit bursaries. And made friends for life.

Then came the 2nd year and the stupid oral presentation where I announced to the world i'm gay and in pain. Nobody really did appreciated what I was saying. It was the first time I was so nervous about a presentation cause it was ALSO the first time that I WAS the topic of the whole idea. No one came up to me and said anything. They probably weren't listening that attentively. That part of my life did aroused some curiosity and interest. That's when Yanti comes in. :) That's when she first wanna know about me.

There's another girl in class who's also,probably,might have been gay too. She had a girlfriend in the same school. I thought I found a kindred spirit in her, that we shared something common but nah, i was wrong. We shared a Big nothing...all she wanted is a guy who wouldn't hurt her as much.

Fizah, if you're reading this. Take this as a good thing. When I first saw you, I can't possibly remember when, I thought I wanted to be your friend. You interested me on a level that's sort of fun. I was beginning to learn about stuffs about you, that you're attached, that you loved singing, dancing and SC but hate school and was afraid of me. So I tried spending more time with you and all that. Please do not get the wrong idea. We're nothing more than just good friends,'k? Stay with me here, girl, cause I don't get a lot of good people like you everyday. :)

Roads wind and turn and bend and separate and Now's that time, i guess. Life could only get better from here. Dreams could come true, wedding knots could be tied, work could be better focused on and everyone's moving on. It's a nice thing...

A good day that should have ended better.

Today's a big day for a best friend who deserved as much. I was so sorry it didn't turned out the way it should. And we didn't even do as much as cursed on national tv. It was probably the first time I ever had to see tears in her beautiful and hopeful eyes. And watching that glow in them just disappeared...all that yearning, time, effort and fingers crossing. I mean we will always be here for support and as a reminder that she's good. I was still glad I was right there with her cause I'd have rather taken it there and there than some SMS which wouldn't mean much. God...again, life has been unkind. Was it circumstances? or Was it really because she didn't do enough? We don't know. All I know is that we were just a few steps away from the Big thing...whatever it might be. Got to know a new friend though...it's their dancing pal..real cool and laughed when I shared something funny..been there with us till the end...Kudos!

We hanged out at my mum's place...ate kaya fondue that got everyone excited thinking about hot chocolate. We should have been able to afford more...damn! Then we had italian ice cream at Marina Square. We tasted some familiar tastes which had completely different names...Supposed to make us feel better, guess it did. And then we talked about an overseas trip which I am sure is very much needed. We all needed something new to teach us to live life differently and better, be it new experiences in a new environment. I have at least $400 now which I'm sorry to say is far from adequate. We are planning Australia...where Fizah's aunt is.

Here's how I think I should end...

She'll be as strong as I have always known
Be as brave as she would shown
Nothing could bring her down when she is never alone or cold
The tears in her eyes have dried as if they have never appeared
For it's just a bloody tiny hinder that's just gotten make her feel better
She waited patiently for the next door to open
and another chance to prove everyone wrong...
And we will be right there watching, glowing with pride and thanking God..we had her.

"I miss her daily
I miss her badly
I miss her cause she's my one and only...
I felt her when I'm down
I felt her when I'm out
She gave me strength when I'm worn and torn
She gave me rest when all I wanted was a home
And though she's never gone cause I was her immortality,
there's still a hole right inside where she lived..."

Pardon me...just kinda came to me while I was in the bathroom and I have to write it down.

Countdown to the end of school in ITE...Exactly 240 short hours and 14400 minutes to go before my last paper, Marketing. Did a mock exam paper yesterday, was one hell of a paper, took me close to 2 hours to finish it which seldom occurs but hey, there's a first for everything. And then there's the signing extraganza after everyone collected the class photographs. Everyone felt like a star! Anyway, it was a mixed feeling, a part of you is happy you're getting out of this place you have been for 3 long years of your short life yet another part just screams "Let me stay, I promise I'll be a good person, I promise!", you know? And with the path all hazy and you can't really see what's out there once you ditch the school uniform and bloody cool black shoes. It's gotten suck, you know that. And I'm not even certain I could even have a place to go to, you know? AND I KNOW, as much as I'm unwilling to admit, there're things I'll miss for the rest of my life...Friends & other people, nasty canteen food and the colored tables, a couple of favorite toilets, how the route to school seems to be shorter when you have great company to walk with and all that...it's a whole new world out there waiting to hurt me and I can't be vulnerable again...

Exactly 10 days to save a couple of persons....

Read Karen's blog, realized how bad and unsupportive a friend I was to her. Like most people, she has and is encountering relationship problems with a Mr. Ben, the man whom she loves and wanna work things out with, no matter what the costs. Too bad, Mr. Ben's a coward and I, as a friend is blind and deaf to her SOSes. She tried to tell me about her problems and being the 'expert' I am, I simply entertained and brushed her off, like I wanted her to go away. I'm evil and wicked.

In her blog, she talked about how things are tying knots in themselves and how a pair of scissors is the only option which by the way, no one wants to go to or should I say use? Ben was a dodger to all problems that were right in front of his eyes which already required specs and should I recommend another trip down to the optical place?

So it's pretty true that sometimes, people miss what's right in their faces...until it's too late.

Anyway, I didn't know what to do but suggested them to the pair of scissors. But Karen suggested a Cool Off Session which probably will lead them further away from that pair of scissors. I don't know if she talks to Ben about it but I thought it was a great idea to let each other cool off a little. There will be less aggressive and more understanding, love, care & concern...it could really work out, that is, if Ben is willing to do his part. "Dear Ben, you either continue to be a bastard like you are so well being or learn to love and respect a girl who truly loves you...She's not one of your camp pals, she's more greater than that. She could be your life and everything you ever wanted. So stop being a dodger to reality here, when there is a problem, you stand up to it and solve it, With your girlfriend!"

Since I'm standing outside of the circle, I can't really do much but be supportive. I promise I'll never blow her off again though I can't really give any good advice, I mean, look at me. I'm a failure in relationships and stuff...So not the person you wanna go to for good advice...

Projekt Satu a.k.a Showcasing of Artists' Talents Unplugged

10 March 06

I had my initial doubts about attending the performance cause I'm the odd one out..being the only chinese in a malay charity show thingy is just unusual. I enjoyed the show anyway and I realized what this project really meant to them, it's a showcase of their passion for their culture, passion and all that. And I was surprised my IT lecturer actually remembers me..or maybe she doesn't, perhaps she found it odd that I'm the only chinese audience and sitting kinda near to the stage.

Anyway, it was time well spent. And I met Fizah's cousin, Sara, photographer and nice person. I don't usually open up that soon to a stranger but I'm cool with her.. We were talking about how the school seemed eerie and how the school was filled with people signing up for part-time courses in the middle of the night. It's kinda weird when the queue went on even after 10pm.

It was a good experience and I was glad I was there to see them. It meant a lot to everyone involved...

Something happened in the morning during assembly. I was super tired and I couldn't be bothered with what the annoucements were and I was listening to my mp3 player and then I was crying and everyone saw that. It was stupid and I told them I was just tired...and of course, it's more than that. And the lyrics of the song I was listening to played a big part in the crying. It's a chinese song so I couldn't write the lyrics here...anyway, it was nothing.

Horror Movie Marathon!

11 March 06

Meeting Yixian and the gang later around 11.45 at Plaza Singapura for a movie marathon thingy..Pretty exciting!

Woke up in tears this morning, had a dream. Not sure if it's a bad dream or a dream that supposed to bring me a message. I have a bad memory, the world knows that and I usually can't remember my dream the minute I wake up, all I know is I had a dream. But this one stayed vividly in my head.

In the dream, that's me, and my brother, J and my girlfriend (the one's who's not really here). It's a strange dream. I was talking to my girlfriend under a void deck, could be her house, I don't know..with my brother. Then I found myself and her and J at a bookstore kinda place..there were a lot of books on shelves and stuff...and I think J wanted to buy something, a white colored pouch while my girlfriend was browsing a book written by an author named Tamara W. Swift. Tamara Swift is a interactive cartoon character on BBC.com..she wasn't an author.. Strange, isn't it?

Then all of a sudden, I found my girlfriend and I in a bed sans J thankfully...a huge bed, King size, maybe in some manor or something. Wherever we were, it's a huge and beautiful place. Like a palace with gold and white everywhere. Anyway I'm sure whoever is reading my blog doesn't need me to spell out what was going on in the bed....Anyway, we laid lying on the bed, she was reading the same book she did in that bookstore place.

Our very very short conversation is as followed:

A(that's me):Hey.
W(that's her): Yeah? (Still reading her book)
And I kept quiet, just looking at her and everything was quiet.
A:Hey.
W:Yeah?
A: Does your dad still hate me?
W: No, in fact he's inviting you over for dinner.
Then everything was quiet.
A:Hey
W:Yeah?
When all I did was looked at her again, she put down her book for a while and looked back at me.
W:Yeah? (She said again, her attention on me)
A: I just wanna look at you. (In a very soft tone)
W smiled and went back to her book. Then she said "You've changed" and smiled again, returning to her reading.

I couldn't understand why she said that. I'm not sure if it means something. All I felt was happiness, pure bliss...we didn't have to do anything, or worry about anything, we were just making love and lying on the bed and watch as time passed.

Then the dream took us out of the bed, all clothed, outside a departmental store. It's like she doesn't know me at all. She was standing there, selling something and completely ignoring me. And there were people around me, kissing and doing other stuffs I couldn't remember. Then when I realized she was ignoring me, I was sad and down and I ran to the toilet and I was really hurt and all that... I didn't understand what was going on...How could she not know me?

Then I guess my mum woke me up when she stole my fan. It was a hot morning and I couldn't go back to bed or into the dream, for that matter. I wanted to see her, I wanted to feel that bliss and love between us. There was just nothing. And my day was ruined cause I couldn't stop thinking about her!

And the thing is, I have to go back to my revision. I'm having my Marketing Mock Exam on the 17th of March...12 chapters and a blank mind.

Well, days has been hectic...and I actually worked for a day which is cool. It's a surveyor thing at NUS which is a huge place, I must add. The last time I was there was when I was in Secondary 4..I was there to watch this play about Vincent Van Gogh and it was great. I totally love the approaching thing cause that's me. You know, the whole interaction thing..Anyway, we were unauthorized and we were not supposed to be in that school doing the survey. We had to hide and stuff which is sort of ridiculous. And we were approached by the campus security. He asked about who we were working for and if we had permission..I think I've earned $24.50. I've not gotten the money yet..And then while we're doing this surveying thing under the hot sun, we were approached by another company. She wondered if we're free on weekends, work for her. It's going to be at Suntec...and we have to dress better. We'll see what happens next. And then on the way home, Alivina asked how long I've been single and I said 4. Then she asked if I'll be interested if some guy comes and wants to know me and stuff...I told her how slim that possibility is. I don't wanna go there. It's hard.

Watched 'Strong Medicine' last night, glad I didn't miss it for 'The Amazing Race'. It was a great episode..Lu finally believed in herself and got on with life after the rape...even held a demostration and got the message across. In America, a woman gets raped every 2 minutes and mostly the rapists will get away unpunished. It's something that people doesn't realize but it's constantly happening. Anyway, Dana's gotten have a baby...which is great. I think she's gotten name the baby Lu.

That bitch has been reading my blog and she's telling me that whatever that's between my mum and I will be resolved with time and that everyone loves me and all that. I wanted to shout 'bugged off' when I read the email. Why can't she just leave me alone? Why can't she get out of my life and I could have a tiny bit of peace...

Sent in a couple of poems to The Straits Times. Not sure if they got it..They had this "Busted" section in the newspapers and you could either send in something of originality, creativity and artistic. Poems, songs, artworks etc..and I sent in 2 poems..Wrote about how I missed her..