Ok, I am going to sound like a 10 year old. It's Christmas Eve or it could really be the actual Christmas Day, yes, the big glamourous red and green and even white 25th of December! Throughout my 20 years on Earth, I've never once celebrated Christmas or festivals in general or even attempted to. You see, I'm neither Jewish nor Christian nor anything else so therefore you wouldn't see my mum cooking up a Thanksgiving or a Christmas dinner and there will not be a green pine tree with gorgeous ornaments of any sorts in my tiny living room. And do not ever expect presents under the tree in the morning cause I ain't got a chimney. Or a card.

Someone did give me an invisible card over the internet the night before. Though I can't really see it, I felt it. She is one hell of a person, never met anyone like her; that kind of rudeness and hostility. I sensed a broken heart right off the bat but she wouldn't share more and I'm cool with that. She's full of snide remarks and the bite-you-in-your-behind honesty dripping with acid that not many people can handle. She has been through a lot, I guess...and of course she called me a fucking dumbass before giving me a card. Good times, people.

I guess Eva has saw the card I've sent her and I know she'll be having a great time with her family and friends and many many presents and blessings. At least someone is having fun. But the selfish me wanted some sort of a response from her. I wanted to know what she thought of the card, did she like it, the feelings that were going through her mind when she saw my name. You know, stuffs like that. I hope she's fine and having a great time. By the way, I think I owed her an apology. It's the last conversation before she would return home for Christmas and her mum has been visiting and staying with her at her apartment since Monday and I know she had a very tight bond with her family and absolutely missed being with them, especially her little sister, an aspiring architecture, Maria. And while we were chatting, her mum kinda nagged at her about being in the front of the computer monitor for too long and we had to end our conversation short. I wasn't pleased to say the least, cause I might never have a chance to chat with her again, and so I said something an insensitive jerk would say "Now, you know why I prefer living alone? At least I've got privacy and quiet..." and I think she was mad when I said that. I didn't mean to be rude and all but I have this thing where I don't think through my words in my head enough and sometimes, it's really not the things I should say and ugliness ensues. She told she wasn't mad at all cause I really didn't want her to go away mad, especially if she's mad with me...

Guess what? My mum had a date, to do a drive-through through the beautiful streets of Orchard Road with her colleagues at work. It wasn't my mum to have a date or for her to actually go to Orchard so it was all new for me. I was thrilled she wanted to go; I think she deserved it big time! Though she promised she would take me to the new Macdonalds at Ang Mo Kio. I told her to do the drive-through instead, since Christmas decoration along Orchard Road is once a year thing and we can go to Macdonalds anytime we wanna. But her colleagues kinda wanted to head home first and God knows when they would actually be ready and my mum didn't wanna wait so tonight marked my first trip to the new Macdonalds outlet which was so spacious, with actual greenery and really cool marble sinks and McCafé was built right in it, with the regular counters and stuff. They even had a drive-through too...so cool. And I've made a promise to myself that I would try their hot chocolate.

It came true and I was dead on. Eva is falling in love with someone else and it's definitely not me. At least I know his name. What was I fucking thinking that I could make someone who's been a heterosexual all her freaking life fall in love with a nobody homosexual me? I must be dreaming and fucking lying to myself. You know how I would always be waiting for her emails like some idiot who has lost her brain? Well, I finally received her email today and it's one of the not so good feelings...She was talking to me about Jorge about how they spent everyday chatting and really getting to know one another and how Jorge never forget about her etc..What I didn't like was the part where she apologized for the manner she chatted with me a.k.a flirting. I didn't like that. It's like I'm making her believe that whatever we have been sharing and felt was a mistake. And it's most definitely not. So I was pretty upset when I read the email and out of some stupid anger or jealousy, I repiled to her in the email saying that she should be Jorge, at least it's natural and normal and he's nearer to her than I am physically..and minutes after I sent the email, I regretted. Eva came online just in time to save me with honesty and rationality. She told me she didn't like the email I've sent to her and the moment I saw her, all those rage and jealously and loss of losing someone/something so dear came up to my head and overwhelmed me. I kept saying stupid stuff and I was hell demanding. I know I shouldn't be feeling the way I should but I couldn't control. Thank God, Eva was the one who's all clear and rational and talked me through. So now I'm ok, no bad feelings and no demanding-controlling asshole in my brain. Maybe that's why I like her so much. She could do things I could never.

Anyway, it's been almost 2 days since we've rudely interrupted by her mother and the conversation has to be cut short. I totally understand the deal with parents and their kids..but right now I just wish she'll be online somehow. She's returning home for Christmas and it's impossible to say if she would come online before I return to school. And she has not been sending me any emails. So I'm a little worried and unsettled...and the wait continues.

I think I've had it figured out and the operative word here is Desperation. I have never felt love from anyone, only expectations and rules. It's not self-pity talk. It's just what I feel, from my family, from the society, and from some other people I don't know of yet. And every morning, my mum will yell the way she never cease to about how a selfish and useless person I am.(It was a thing with housework.) And every morning, if I actually make it up in the morning, I don't feel so good. And I think that's the reason why I've been such an unlikeable jerk with the Eva situation.

The last thing I wanted to do now is to make some stupid irreversible decisions that would hurt Eva. I could care less about myself. All I'm concerned is that she's ok, and not in any sense hurt, especially not by me. There's this guy named Jorge who lives in Peru but had plans to move to Europe and so he might visit Eva. He actually left a voice message for her and probably did all that little sweet gestures a boy does to get the attention and affection of the girl he thinks he likes. And so Jorge was that other person other than me who made Eva happy. It is a good thing cause he made her happy and I wanted her to be happy but at the same time, I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all. For I am no saint, but a humble and fragile human with flesh to burn and heart to break.

I must be frank that I somewhat knew what I was getting myself into when I harbored thoughts of Eva and I being more than just friends/lovers - that I would truly be in for a great disappointment. I mean, for God's sake, it was pretty clear that she's heterosexual, not that it's something etched in stone and I couldn't do anything about it but still...I've however did a great job at making her confused and she was all about questioning her own orientation and experimenting and all but I'm skeptical. I didn't want it to be a one-time thing for her. I don't wanna have to worry that one fine day, she would get over the thrill of being in a nurturing, filled with multiple orgasms homosexual relationship and head back to boys' town. Because that, would kill me in a shot. But I don't want to be the selfish person who wouldn't let go.

Eva is a good person, a wonderful girl, someone who deserves someone who loves her. Right now, we're really far apart from each other, she's in Greece and I'm here, on the wonderful little island. We couldn't even chat anymore, what with school and Christmas...Each day, I sit in front of my computer, like an idiot, hoping to receive her email, wanting some way to ease all that missing and yearning...Am I just being stupid??

It's a funny thing, not knowing what's to come and what should been done. A couple of days ago, a magical thing happened, extraordinarily between 2 people who should have never meet in any circumstances. Her name is Eva and the other name's Ashley. Eva currently goes to school and lives in Athens, Greece, some 6 hours apart while the other one spent her entire existence on a little but very cool island. None could remember the exact manner and time they met but was grateful that they did. There were so many things in common, and on many occasions, on the same page. It was simply amazing and beautiful. The whole process of discovering and knowing is exciting, as far as I'm concerned. As a matter of fact, I found myself spending far too much time thinking about her. I'm not sure if it's advisable, knowing well where it'd usually lead me but that's what my heart tells me. And I'm one who never deny the heart.

Last night was our last conversation before she prepared for her mother's arrival and head home for Christmas back in a place that started with C, Crete, I think. And then school and exams will further deter us from squeezing out any extra time to sit down for a chat...it really suck!! While all I can do is to wait for her emails 2 am in the morning, I'd likely be occupied with tons of school assignments. Anyway, she has promised me photos of her smiling so we'll see...

It has been quite a while since I've been so caught up with anybody. I would like to think that I'm pretty selfish in a sense that everyone is. We yearn companionship, time, love, concern, even jealously sometimes, and the fact that we miss something/someone is because we need them, for ourselves, for all things selfish. This is pretty much what I was feeling and still feel after that last conversation. I miss her, badly, I don't know why but I so do. I think she provided me with something to do and think about. My life has been rather dull before she came into my life and now it almost felt like she's leaving...

Anyway, I had this crazy thought that maybe somehow, some way I could make her fall in love with me and she'll fly all the million miles over and be with me after her university but I TOTALLY understand her concerns regarding the touchy topic and I respect it and I don't wanna fuck it up. But I think I could really love her.

I know it's impossible, just a crazy thought some may say and the thing is, I would very much want her to find and be with a man who knows how to respect her, love, care and understand her, trust her, and have faith in her and always be there whenever she needed him around...So long she's happy, then that makes 2 of us. In the meantime, I better get comfortable with my projects and assignments and stop thinking about what might never happen. We had plans for travelling to take over the world and for identical tattoos. We were thinking our initials T.A.K.E although it should have been A.T.E.K or E.K.A.T but I figured, yes me, that a wordplay should be fun and we have T.A.K.E. Cool huh? I thought so too...If we ever do get a tattoo together, it would be another one to my collection and a first for her. It would mean so much and I promise I'll hold her hand, look at her in the eye and tell her everything is going to be okay.

I am such an insecured person, I've realized, during a dinner with my secondary school friends last week. It was a Saturday night with Thai food. The day I got my 'O' levels results was the day I knew that things hadn't been going correct. I flunked all my papers except my languages and scored something like 32 aggregate score. All my other friends have done their best and done well, and they were rightly promoted to the polytechnics they yearned to be in. I was sort of, left behind. It was nobody's fault but mine. The disappointment I heard in my father's tone when he called home to ask about the results was painfully evident and the almost defeated expression on my mother's face when she knew I've screwed up etched in my mind like a bad song that stick in your head. I was lucky; having had scored such lousy grades, I was given a new lease of life, a new chance to prove myself to well, myself. I was given a choice to either retake the big O as a private candidate/ITE. I chose ITE without hesitation.

When I told people who cared enough about my choice, no one really took it in a good light. You know how everyone assumed that ITEs were schools for people who couldn't study or just didn't wanna study. I had the exact assumption too when I was very much younger. But I realized that it wasn't so much about the school or the perceptions of other people, it's what I was willing to do for myself. I sought advice from my teacher from primary school and I argued. She wanted me to retake my Os but I insisted on going to ITE and it was the first time we have had any disagreements over anything. I was deeply affected, for I didn't think I would be strong enough to take that leap of faith. At the end of the day, I really didn't know what I was going to get.

Anyway, I went through 3 years of ITE education, basically on my own and it turned out to be some of the best years in my life. I put in effort, I wanted to prove everyone wrong, and I did. I scored 3.5/4, I went to Higher NITEC which would eventually, on a struck of luck, led me on the way to polytechincs. I was one of the 3 in my class of 20 who got the rare opportunity to get into a poly and for that, I'm grateful, to God, to whoever's out there.

Coming back to my insecurities, I felt almost inferior whenever I would hang out with my secondary schoolmates, simply because I think that I might never be as good or as accomplished as they are. They have completed their time in the polytechnic and the guys are in NS and the gals working. I know it's stupid to make any comparation and it's absolutely pointless to feel all those insecurities but I sort of drowned in the petty and meaningless pool of inferiority each and every time. I hate feeling like that. It's so stupid and I've changed and I've come so damn far but why, why do I always feel like that? I am my own person in my own right after all...

"Hold on...
Hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
you know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
this isn't easier than the real thing
My love
you know that you're my best friend
you know I'd do anything for you
my love
let nothing come between us
my love for you is strong and true
Am I in heaven here or am I...
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face
Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
oh god the man I love is leaving
won't you take him when he comes to your door
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
at the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
see another day and we will praise it
and love the light that brings a smile
across your face...
Hold on
hold on to yourself
for this is gonna hurt like hell..."

This is Sarah Mclachlan's "Hold On" and I watched her sing live almost 2 hours before I wrote the blog and immediately I broke down...crying like a stupid person. Anyway, she was inspired by this Canadian film called "The Promise Kept". It's about this brave woman who found out that the man she was going to be married was HIV-positive and the movie kinda showed the lives of the couple married and living together till the man got progressivly sicker and how the woman continued to fend and stayed with him till the day God took him. If I may quote Sarah, "the movie offered a sense of clarity and honesty." People go through dark times, it's the way it always has been and I don't think it would be any difference centuries from now. I guess the key lies in how you deal with it and the kind of changes you go through and how it made you a stronger person. Anyway, I've not watched the film so I don't really got to experience but Sarah did and she wrote a beautiful song.

Anyway, yesterday was the day I'm finished with a lot of things, my term papers to name a few. I'm all the Yoo and Hoo! And yes, in a mere an hour and a half, 2 papers. And guess what? The tattoo's done too, yes, all done! Now I know never to sit through a session if you're starving or sleep-deprived cause it'll hurt like hell!! Right now, we're back to the money issue...

12 December 2006
Ok, I think I fucked up again. (I am secretly happy that I could swear in my blog!) Anyway, it's the CW class. I was supposed to submit the 8 entries and do an unexpectedly stressful and if i might add, extremely unsuccessful plot sequences test. I've never screwed up a test like I did, not after my secondary school life anyway. But I did get her number and I realized she's attached to a guy no less and that she's a great Starbucks fan and she loves romance novels. I'm more of the Coffee Bean gal and less of a reader so..anyway, we talked and that, on some level, meant something to me.

The entries were a disaster. I got the marking scheme right after I handed in the entries and I realized I did it all wrong. I wasn't the least thorough with my writing, I didn't explore my thoughts etc...Damn, and I wrote about that girl from CW!! How could I ever be so darn stupid?? And besides, I wrote the damn assignments like I would in my blog and it didn't occur to me that it shouldn't be so...Shit! I hope he has a dog and the cute little puppy would eat it or something. God!! (rolling my eyes in disbelief right about now!)

Chatted up a friend from Greece, yes Greece, the faraway place filled with Gods and Goddesses in really beautiful white gown and sandals. Anyway, we've known each other for quite some time but we've never really talked. I knew next to nothing about her except her name and location. Some couple of days ago, we started talking and we re-introduced ourselves. And we traded photos and she looked pretty neat to me, if only she would smile more. Anyway, we were clear that she's super into guys & I would never ever stand a chance...I've no idea where that thought even comes from..It's certainly not like I'm attracted to her or whatever.

I believe there has been injustice done to the homosexual community. One, we aren't sex-crazed psychos who goes around making eyes with any living creature we see. I, for one, may develop slight crushes on some gal I meet (and i must stress that the interest normally goes out as soon as some sort of a friendship is established) but that doesn't mean that I'm sexually deprived or a pervert or the likes. I mean, ok I'm gay but it's like you, a heterosexual, you don't go fucking the next living guy/gal you see...Ok, I don't think I'm expressing it right but you get the picture.

30 November 2006

Just right about now, I’ll be starting on the whole plot sequences. On my life. And I cannot believe how much work there is to be done. I mean, I didn’t really even get to enjoy my birthday because of the numerous projects consultations and of course school on the next day. There are CW stuff, an unhealthy number of quizzes and progress report and of course the whole darn Marketing Proposal about that golf resort built on a tiny little island. Right now I’m definitely out of brain juice so let’s talk about something a little lighter.

I suck. Period. I mean it’s just a simple cell number and I couldn’t get it. And she’s standing right there. Ok, so she’s on the phone with some guy and later, all her other friends joined her but still major awkwardness. I should just walk away next time. Something nice came out of it though. It’s this story thing that I wrote about how the sea got its waves (it’s a pretty romantic love story) and we were supposed to write what it’s called a ‘just so’ story. It’s pretty interesting and a little crazy. I mean I read the one about leopards getting their spots and how zebras got their strips and it’s all very interesting and I don’t know, kind of make everything just that little simpler.

1 December 2006

It was F’s birthday today and God, did I enjoy myself. I actually met a new friend, yes I did. She’s super awesome, I mean if I have been acquainted with someone like her earlier, I would be much happier and lighter. She’s a schoolmate of F and Sam, and for some reasons, we started talking. And I mean really talking. I don’t think I’ve been able to just talk, for a long time. It’s hard getting people to understand and then there will be you telling you that it’s ok but sometimes it’s really not… and it’s just once in a blue moon when you meet someone who’s all clear and sees things for what they are. And also, the part where I couldn’t tell F what I wanted to tell her because for some reasons, I started crying. It’s silly but it’s all real. She’s someone I felt very strongly towards, I care a lot about her and I just really wanted her happy. K could treat her a little better and I think her parents could perhaps take some time to really see and understand the daughter for who she is. Met up with old classmates and everyone was having fun and it’s just plain old fun. And then something kind of weird happened. Some singing serenade team appeared out of nowhere with an invisible charity bucket and started singing. I don’t know but it’s almost creepy.