I wanted to understand. Who I am and why I'm here. I'm still looking for those answers of course. And right now, this freaking minute, I would like to start a clean slate, stop the chalk from running and messing up the board that is me.

I believe a basic introduction is appropriate to help me understand about stuff.

I'm me and I'm gay.

Nothing in hell will change that. Coming out to myself some 3, 4 years ago has been one of those times when I believed for a true moment, it was happiness for me. I never saw the honesty and cool and collected side that was me before that. I've taken things face value, never reading too much into them until much much later, well, not until they eventually became problems I had to face anyhow. Anyway, it was a good thing, a very happy thing for a while. And then, happiness became reality and then there are things I have to deal with and live with if I wanna be happy. Brain surgeon here worked her way in, starting from her best and longest friend. I was like a little pup who needed support and approval from people she loves. And she gets it from her best friend, someone she assumed knows her.

Best friend, Nic didn't get it quite at first, it was all blurry water color paint for her, if not, new. But eventually she figured it was cool, I am still the same person she went to school and spent birthdays wearing dresses with. And she knew, I had to be gay, from those tiny and harmless obsessions I had on one of those female teachers when we're in school, how I never got a boyfriend, how I WAS never interested in getting one...A best friend does sense these things huh? Anyway, talking about Nic, there are just too many things to worry about her. Maybe it's just me but I have this feeling that I'm losing her, to something I can't see. Just last afternoon, I noticed this old photo taken at my brother's birthday and Nic and her brother were there too. As I looked at it, I wanted things to be like in those times, when we were just hanging out and there wasn't a problem we couldn't solve if only we tried...I wanted the old Nic back. I wanted her to not be obsessed with herself, her boyfriends problems and all that...and for once, be genuinely happy that she's even alive. Last night, a mutual friend of ours, Lynn called me. I've not seen her for the longest time and out of a blue, there's a phone call. If anyone knew me, they know that I do not take calls that aren't in my contact list, that including private numbers and whatnots. Anyway, hers was a private number and I was writing my notes for my coming exams and I dismissed it. So the next thing she did was to send me a message. That, on the other hand, I will reply, whether I recognizes the number or not.

She told me she might be pregnant. I knew I had to drop my work and meet her up and be there for her. (It's a good thing she lives only 2 blocks away) Silly to say, Lynn was in total frantic-mode. Apparently she decided to do it with her boyfriend of a couple months back in her own bedroom some couple of days. I couldn't even tell her that she's damn stupid, it's no longer relevant. She wanted to know if she was going to have a child, I told her she had to wait, for at least a couple of weeks before anything shows. She didn't think she could get through it without any help, anyone. Mr. Smart Ass guy's in camp and he's not going to be there for her. Well, at least he didn't shirk responsibilties and left her in lurch. Anyway, Lynn wanted I can't remember the boyfriend's name to check out abortion clinics and I went out of my way to convince her against abortion. She just wasn't getting it.

As far as I'm concerned, a child is a gift. If I were in her shoes, I would raise the kid no matter the costs. The kid's mine and the least I could do is to raise him/her good and right. Anyway, I think the kid'll be the happiest one in town, since he/she wouldn't have to worry if he/she's gay or when he/she's contemplating a tattoo or something. Mom here, been there, done that. Besides, a kid could give you joy you can't imagine and hell you didn't think you could pull through...it'd be great. But before that, a long way to go...

This is for you, my dear Eva. I don't need a reason anymore, for the things I've done and will be doing for you. I love you, you're a very important person in my life now and I believe we have made plans to take over the world. I understand that in this lifetime, you will never ever fall in love with me. I accepted that and I'll deal. No worries. I can't lie to say I wasn't jealous, I am only human but those feelings come and go in a flash. And I've learnt to live with it. I am only happy you found Javier, for he deserves you as much as you him. He's a great person, I think. And like I've told you, if I can't give you happiness, I'll make sure someone else is.

I don't know what the future holds but as long as I try my best, things can't be any worse than they are now. I'm trying to figure out the person I am, so I could be the person I wanna be in the future. I think I wanna write and perhaps cook too. I can't wait for classes to start next semester which is probably end of March or April. When I am able to cook, you shall be my first to taste it. If possible, I would cook for you, for the rest of my life and even for your kids. And also Maria, the carbonhydrates she needed and liked so much.

I often felt as if I've placed myself in an invisible prison, chained and locked away because I've discovered who I am, or parts of who I am. I wanted to get out, break free of my thoughts, thoughts that I am less than what I can be, thoughts that have made me weak. I would need some time and I will find a way. The first step is letting my family know, everything that is to be known about me. Should I tell my family about me? Should I let them in? I don't know. All I know is that I'm scared, I am a coward. I can't imagine their reactions and disappointment. I'm pretty done with the waiting and hiding. I wanted so much to be honest, to be true, the way I was to myself. I needed assurance to tell me that it isn't that bad, when I do tell them. I don't need their acceptance and understanding, but I would like them to be happy with my choices in life. Do you think they could do that?




Anyway, I'm having this little section at the end of my entry where I tell people the songs I'm currently listening to on my IPOD. Just so you know, the songs I'm listening to pretty much gives you a picture of what I was going through or feeling...you know, for that period of time.





A Whole New World - Disney Original Soundtrack (Aladdin)
Alanis Morrisette - Everything
Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No
Ashlee Simpson - Love Makes the World Go Round, Love Me for Me, Better Off
Daniel Powter - Love You Lately
Hilary Duff - Cry, Hide Away
John Mayer - St. Patrick's Day
KT Tunstall - Heal Over, Other Side of The World
Mandy Moore - It's Gonna Be Love
Mandy Moore feat. Jonathan Foreman - Someday We'll Know
Nelly Furtado - All Good Things Come To An End
Sarah Mclachlan - River, Hold On, I Love You
Switchfoot - I Dare You to Move